LovabLe Neurotic

Sign Language is cool.

2008-11-22T23:17:00.002+08:00

it is a way of expressing oneself, when unable to speak.

unfortunately (or, as my parents would say: Thank Dear God she's finally quiet, fortunately) i am down with Laryngitis.

Definition of Laryngitis:-
Laryngitis is an inflammation of your voice box (larynx) due to overuse, irritation or infection. Inside the larynx are your vocal cords — two folds of mucous membrane covering muscle and cartilage.

Normally your vocal cords open and close smoothly, forming sounds through their movement and vibration. But in laryngitis, your vocal cords become inflamed or irritated. This swelling causes distortion of the sounds produced by air passing over them. As a result, your voice sounds hoarse. In some cases of laryngitis, your voice can become so faint as to be undetectable.

Laryngitis may be short-lived (acute) or long lasting (chronic). Most cases of laryngitis are triggered by temporary viral infection or vocal strain and are not serious. But persistent hoarseness can sometimes signal a more serious underlying medical condition.

Since the best remedy for Laryngitis is to shut up; i have resorted to using very very basic sign language, medieval pointing with guttural sounds (note: do not do this at home! May end up looking like cave-man).

i think my parents are happy. According to mum, it's the happiest she's been in a while, since i can't bully anybody for a while. And she's starting to advise (a.k.a. take advantage of my illness to bully me back) me about everything.

i love being sick. i feel so loved.

*quiet sigh*

is this the beginning of the end?

2007-09-13T00:29:00.000+08:00

i wonder...

how long it took me to realize.
that this piece of beautiful pottery is not the right one.

i mean...

it looks absolutely perfect, to the finest details.
but when perfection is the problem, what then?

i seem...

really really pleased to display this piece.
who in the right mind wouldn't want an expensive and hard-to-find piece of pottery displayed?

i wouldn't...

cause i don't live in an expensive house. dammit.
i can't afford Lorenzo's... i have to use Cavenzi. but i'm darn proud of it!

i treasure...

the hardship, poverty, and meagre life i went through as a child till i was 17.
it was only during those moments of pain, did i see true kindness. and true faces of people.

i question...

myself. pushing myself to find the one reason, just one, as to why i want that pottery there permanently.

people...
tell me i don't need a reason.
tell me i don't need perfection.
say life doesnt always turn out the right way.
tell me i have to take the best that comes.
say i can't have everything in life.

but..
i do want everything i want.
i don't wanna give up this battle without fighting.
i don't want to settle for second best...
just because of 'lost opportunity' n words of
"What if nothing better drops by?"

then..
i'll live my life
knowing i did have the courage
to walk out this door
and search for experiences
that enrich me
that fulfill me

and completes me.

2007-08-11T21:40:00.000+08:00

what if you're told something
that might change your life.
things that have happened.
experiences learned.
in another view?

selfrealization hits.
slap on the face.
pat on the back.
trust established.

what if you're told something
that is about to become.
incidents inevitable.
changes that might take place.

the trust, established
can it be overturned?
by an outsider's view?
by an outsider's words?

maybe.

grumpy frumpy lady.

2007-06-27T22:07:00.000+08:00

i'm grumpy because:

i was hospitalized for two nights, because of some weird intestinal infection. Close to my appendics (is that how you spell it?), causing my stomach to overproduce acid, giving my tummy the worst gastric in my life. couldnt bleeding walk.

i was anally-probed. not funny.

doc didnt allow me to have:
a) hawker food
b) coffee
c) mamak food
d) oily food
e) spicy n sour food
f) anything that will fuck up my appetite...
For six (6) whole weeks. SIX. oh my god. No coffee? No fried food? No more spicy stuff?
KiLL me NoW!

This rendered me a little grumpy for the past 3 weeks. 4 more weeks to go. All sorts of withdrawal symptoms. sigh. Kheong is not a happy boy. Indeed.

I'm frumpy because:

i havent been exercising for... erm......... 7 months? =)

Ah well, since i just got a slight increment before my confirmation in Oct (RM500 increment! Sweet), i can go to Fitness First soon.

Leanne Khor, i'm not scary.

i repeat, i am not scary.
Yes, i admit i can be scary at dota, because i'm surrounded by noobs.
and yes, i admit that i can be scary at times when i start scolding ppl.
but i do it in the spirit of defending my dearest friends, a.k.a. you.
and, and.... when i defend my throne (dota). or.... my car.. or.. my family.. or my job (?)
so, i digress. i'm not scary. hhhmmmpppph!

because i'm not.
*stamps foot*

i'm nice and loving and caring and sweet and kind and generous and.. and...

fine, i'm scary

>.<
fck off. haha.

ps: Happy Belated birthday baby. Happy Belated birthday me! =)

Blogging in office!

2007-06-14T17:15:00.000+08:00

First time in 9 weeks! Sweeeeet..

oklah, i'm not using my computer, i'm not even allowed a laptop yet, and no internet connection.
Yeah, it kinda sucks here.. =P

Havent found the time to blog even on weekends. Can't seem to concentrate, sit down, login, and start typing something; just grabbing a topic out of thin air.

it's been dry, mates, it's been dry.
akin to sahara.

No, not myself, my inspiration.

(WOI! i'm busy! Don't disturb!... no peace in office.. sigh)

Besides the awful day i've had yesterday, this day seems to be unravelling nicely.

Updates:-
1. It's been superb at hsbc. people here (oklah, i do come across an occassional certified asshole) are so much fun, nice, understanding and willing to pass on certain information so i can grow and learn.
2. No laptop and internet connection is rendering me partially paralysed in office. Good God.
3. Only source of fun: Friday drinks at 18th floor (which i've been missing, sadly, as i'm now based in Puchong Mortgage).
4. Newfound friends who stick by thick and thin: Kim, Dee, Lee Vin.
5. Haven't seen matty, edwin, lea (where the f*** are you, woman?! Why no updates, why nothing?!) at all (No, i cannot count a 10 min break at klcc as meeting, matt) It's not that i've been too busy to save my life, or any lives, come to that.. My priorities have just been reorganized.
6. i hardly drink nowadays, hardly go out clubbing (What's clubbing?) since Velvet three months ago. No wait, that was my first in.... oh God. Now i'm depressed..
7. Found out i have acid reflux. Ew. No more coffee (SIGH), no more chocolates (Oh TuhanKu), no more fried food (Goodbye my beautiful fried chicken). Nasihat doktor: Makan Sikit tapi kerap. zzz. easy for you to say, doc.
8. i hate puchong. period.
9. i hate subang. More for the people (i have my reasons), but mostly for the effable character of dota players there. Either too noobish, too cocky, and too disgusting (leaving trails of drinks or food on the computer table? Ew. Didn't all your mommies teach you manners, boys?!)
10. Three Godlike's since..... i started. Still an accomplishment. Yes i'm a nerd, shut up.
11. Wish i lost more weight. Sigh. Seem to be getting fatter since i got acid reflux. tiu. and that only took one week. niama
12. i'm going to camerons this coming weekend (kheong and my birthday). Also going to singapore the weekend after that with dee, kim, and vin. Shopping anyone?
13. i'm too poorly paid for comfort. Bloody RM1700 isnt enough to just pay for my food. omg. have to sacrifice for this prog, but heck, it's worth it. After all, i'll be earning RM4200 in 4 months.
14. i love my job. i hate the dept.
15. i cannot use a laptop without a mouse to save a life. Bloody handicapped.

That's all for now.

When i find enough updates to fill 10 slots, i'll write again. hehe. just too fucking lazy.

>.<

OBS pics!

2007-05-06T18:21:00.000+08:00

My 5 days of torture, turned to 5 days of fun! :D

Sail!! =)

Beautiful, eh?

Somewhere, beyond the sea......

Wah! Wat's that?!

hsbc batch 7 rocks on..

it's Monday tmr!

sweeeeeeeet...

Cinta di Ujung Jalan

2007-05-01T13:41:00.000+08:00

Setiap tetes air mataku
Telah kuberikan untuk kisahku
Mengerti tapi tak dimengerti
Cintaku tlah diujung jalan

Setiap kata dari bibirku
Kadang tak sama dalam hatiku
Tersenyum dalam hati menangis
Cintaku tlah diujung jalan

Aku sangat mengenalmu
Aku juga cintaimu..
Tapi kau tak pernah ada pengertian
Ku senang, ku sedih
Kau tak mau tahu

Aku sangat mengenalmu
Dulu kau tak begitu
Kau bintang di hatiku
Jadilah yang kumau
Ku senang,ku sedih
Kau ada denganku

Ku mengerti kau apa adanya
Begitupun yang kumau darimu
Kau tahu rasanya diabaikan
Cintaku telah diujung jalan

Agnes Monica

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Translation by Luc:

Every drop of tear
I gave to this fairytale
I understand this, but do you?
My love is at the end of the road

Every word from my lips
Sometimes doesn't say what my heart screams
I smile, but in my heart I cry
My love is at the end of the road

I knew you so well
I loved you too much.
But you never understood
If I'm free, If I'm upset
You never wanted to know.

I knew you so well
But I don't know you anymore
You were the star in my life
Now be what you want to be.

I'm free, but I'm upset
Cause you're still here with me

So what if I knew you well?
It doesn't matter what I want from you
I just want you know how it feels to be abandoned

My love is at the end of the road..

i survived!

2007-04-26T21:28:00.000+08:00

:D

OBS was a complete bitch.

But i had SO MUCH fun doing it anyway!

List of things completed:

1. Completed the whaling trip (rowing and sailing a 12-men boat) all around pangkor island and made it back in record time! Lesson learnt: We should always stick together, and listen to each other. We canNOT direct the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

2. Built a raft for 12 men and rowed 1km down to basecamp (even though half of it was broken, we stuck till the end and either: a) pushed the raft by swimming b) remaining ppl rowed as hard as they can) Lesson learnt: People should NOT move around a dodgy raft while rowing. zzz. stupid.

3. Got burnt like a lobster. Lesson learnt: i can NOT stay in the sun too long.

4. Got the worst allergy attack in my life. My lips triple-sized itself and rashes all over my hands, and face. urgh. Lesson learnt: do NOT put sunblock on face no matter how hot it is. Use a HUGE ass hat instead.

5. Slept 7 hours on the hard-as-rock forest floor. Lesson learnt: Just tahan-lah! :D

6. Gained 11 new great friends. Lesson learnt: You can never have enough friends... ;)

Haha. Pics laterz!

i'm home baby.

woot!

2007-04-15T00:37:00.000+08:00

the bitch is starting work (everybody scream FINALLY!!) in one day's time.

Sweeeeet.

:D

Big day, Monday is.

So is the Sunday. Going to OBS for 5 days.
Heard i'll die from: heat, dehydration, pain, agony, sea-sick (have to row that raft AROUND pangkor island), malnutrition (apparently they let you starve too. haha) and roast from the sun (baked Lucinda anyone?)

I'll find out then.

sweet mama.

2007-04-04T16:48:00.000+08:00

you don't have to ask me..
you don't have to look at my blog constantly to know..
you don't have to ponder about it..

i hate you.

following david eu's famous words on blue server:

go fuck yourself, you motherless mongrel.

zzz

---------------------------------------------------------------

My boy says i'm too ganas when i'm playing dota.

Scene 1:
(defending our middle lane, one motherless fucktard is off farming at the top lane, leaving just 4 of us here to defend)
me: Eh! xxx for God's sake get your ass back to the base wei!
others: (silence)
(the opposing team pushes and my teammates, leaving me to die there, either not ulti-ing or not stun-ning, or just running away)
me: WOI! what the fuck? HARLOW?! did you boys see me there? HARLOW?! what the fuck. know already i'm a spellcaster, niama protect me la tiu. you took the strength hero for FUCKS ah.
others: (starts stressing)

Scene 2:
(me farming together with boy in one lane)
me: farm farm farm
him: farm farm farm
(suddenly some fuckwit belakang mari came and stun me)
me: Argh! (tries to hit if can, stun if can, run if can. but i died. zzz.) OH MY GOD LAH! Babe! Fuck, ULTI la!! You use moonfang for fucks mehhhhhhhhhh.......... zzz
him: what? i didn't see la / i press already la, channeling / eh chill out la
me: i just died. chill fuck ah

oklah, maybe i'm a bit too ganas la.

or maybe i'm just a tad too righteous in dota. lol.

i really should quit.. :D

------------------------------------------------------

Work starts in 12 days!
Sweeeeeet

all smiles

2007-03-29T15:48:00.001+08:00

i definitely have to go to church this weekend. definitely.

my ENTIRE family was having one of our down-est-ish times ever, and it's with God's blessing that we're pulling through this. together.

:D:D:D

so damn frigging happy i can just jump off my 19th floor. lol.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Babe.

you're lazy. you're piggish. you're so darn stubborn. you're the king of all procrastinators. you're messy. you're smelly. you're cute (which means you're ugly).

yea. watever.

love you.

you're also mean. you're over-sensitive. you're difficult.

yea yea yea.

love you too.

zzzzz

i lift it up to You

2007-03-20T19:36:00.000+08:00

i'm going to hsbc! *insert grin here*

After 8 hours of gruelling interviews, presentations, role plays, group discussions and more interviews.... i got in.

the past two days have been the happiest that i have ever been these past 2 months, no, wait...

the best i've been the past year and a half.

this is the part where i'm supposed to say i'll do my best, prove to myself and everybody else...
screw that.

i'm gonna have fun.
loads. of. fun.
TWENTY whole months of fun, TWO months in UK, and countless more fulfilling experiences.

to God, i offer this up to him. for all the moments when i've been too down to lift my head up. for all the tears that poured down my chubby cheeks. for all the heartbreaks. for all the pain i've gone through. for being backstabbed by a vicious bitch of a colleague.

i would never have gotten so far, had i not had enough faith.
in Him.
in me.
during those interviews, honestly, i had not a single ounce of faith in me.
it was Him that gave me that strength, that endurance, that faith, to make it through.

thank You, Jesus. thank You.

2007-03-18T01:32:00.000+08:00

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind
But you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies

But you and I know the reason why

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies

But you and I, you and I know the reason why

exerpt from Reason why, by Rachael Yamagata

2007-03-17T13:22:00.000+08:00

When I think of home
I think of a resting place
A place where there's peace, quiet, and serenity
And thats where some of my friends have gone
Friends who have traveled with me through my wonderful experience in Oz

A journey I'll never forget
When I think of home, I think of a place
Wheres theres love overflowing
I wish I was home, I wish I was back there
With the things I've been knowing

Wind that makes the tall grass bend into leaning
Suddenly the raindrops that fall they have a meaning
Sprinklin the scene
Makes it all clean

(When I think of home)
Maybe theres a chance for me to go back
Now that I have some direction
(Maybe theres a chance I'll get home)
It sure would be nice to be back at home
Where there's love and affection

And just maybe I can convince time to slow up
Givin me enough time, in my life to grow up
Time be my friend
And let me start again

Suddenly my worlds gone and change its fate
And I still know where I'm going
I have had my mind spun round in space
And watched it growing

And, if you're listening, God, please dont make it hard
To know if we should believe the things that we see
Tell us should we try and stay or should we run away
Or will it be better just to let things, let them be
Livin here in this brand new world
Might be a fantasy
But its taught me to love
And its real, its so real, its real to me
And Ive learned that we must look
Inside our hearts to find
A world full of love

Like yours, like mine

Home, by Stephanie Mills

i lost it. i can't find it.

2007-03-17T02:22:00.000+08:00

have you ever experienced a time in your life where you had nothing more than your heart to offer, and by giving your heart could possibly risk losing yourself in it; yet you knew, positively, that you would give your heart all over again to that single person and risk it all?

have you ever experienced a heartbreak so bad just so you could hold a person for a minute, an hour, a day, a week or two; just so you knew how it felt?

have you ever experienced in your lifetime, a split second of hope which almost seemed so surreal you thought you had found your perfect rapture; yet have it robbed of you selfishly right when you actually believed it, so that another may have it easy?

have you ever experienced moments of pure despair and loss that transpired so deep in your soul, yet you'd lift your head up to God and tell Him, honestly, that you have never regretted a single decision?

have you ever experienced hatred at your loved ones for deluding your senses with warm words of comfort and love; when deep down inside they don't feel the same for you, yet, you're unsure of whether you'd rather hear the lies or grapple with the harsh truth?

have you ever experienced pure loneliness?

have you ever experienced pure grief?

have you ever experienced alienation?

have you ever experienced... love?

.............

when it comes down to crunch time, will you make the right decision or take the easy way out?

i've heard enough bullshit in my life, to know the truth.

i got taggggggged

2007-03-13T16:52:00.000+08:00

By Mr. Sunil. Here's what i'm suppose to do. I'm supposed to list 6 weird facts about myself, then tag another 6 people to do the same.

Weird facts:

i pick at my whiteheads/blackheads when i'm bored
yea it's a little disgusting, but it's true. i love it so much when i see an evil comedone pop out. makes me feel cleaner :D

i hate wearing necklaces and turtlenecks
makes me feel constricted... like i can't bloody breathe. i keep scratching at it, tugging at it, until i irritate other ppl. So, yea.

i love my long nails
i normally keep it until it's banshee-ish. Like, super long, unmanicured, ugly nails. Don't ask me why :D i know i disgust the hell out of Matt when i steal his food with my fingers. THe only reason why he hasn't stopped me till today is because he loves me. Right? LoL

i love harry potter
i really do. i read the books at least 10 times each. i watched the movies at least 5 times each. i criticise the way the director did it, or how they don't seem real and bla bla bla, until i piss people off.

i get hurt easily
super emotional. super tear jerker. Moreover when someone i love betrays me. or breaks my heart. it takes a little to piss me off, but i get over it pretty quickly. however, it takes a lot to disappoint me. Once i am disappointed, it takes yrs to regain that trust that you lost.

i'm slightly OCD'd
i try not to step on the lines of tiles, like.. i'll HAVE to step on the center, where there are no lines. When i wash my hands i take 10 minutes, whilst continually counting 1 to 10 over and over and over again.

There! i don't like tagging other people... but Leanne Khor is an exception. SO you're it! :D

------------------------------------------------------------------

i've been absent for a month now, i know.

i've been through a lot, somehow, so much so till my heart and mind cannot take it.

i'm so heartbroken, i'm going to do two tattoos in one go to signify this trying time.

i cannot say what, for fear of being ridiculed; for being stupid, for trusting so much, for listening too much, for not looking after my ass, for loving too much, for caring till i wished i hadn't, for accepting when i should've rejected, for not making it casual.

i've lived a life full of ups and downs, of greys and off-whites. but never in my life, have i gone through the heart ache that i am going through now.

so bear with me, till i regain my composure. till i can lift my head up and say 'i never regret everything i did'.

so, yeah.. :D

something for you.

2007-03-12T21:36:00.000+08:00

How did you steal my heart from me
I thought it was safe, that I'd hidden the key
But you crept in and shattered all my dreams
How did you steal my heart from me

Why do your words still ring in my ears
Somehow your name is now all that I hear
How come my future is suddenly unclear
How could you steal my heart from me

Now the nights have grown colder
It feels that my life's not my own
How can I tell him it's over
How could you break this happy home

You crept in and shattered all my dreams
I don't know what a love is meant to be
Yeah you crept in and shattered all my dreams
How could you steal my heart from me?

Stolen, by Lucie Silvas

----------------------------------------------------------------

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?

Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything

I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs? I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more...

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - feet!
Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a - what's that word again? Street

Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Bet'cha on land they understand
That they don't reprimand their daughters
Bright young women sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand

I'm ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire and why does it - what's the word? Burn?
When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that shore up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be;
Part of your world

Part of that world - Little Mermaid

-----------------------------------------------------------

When i feel lost for words,
when my heart gets overburdened,
When i start to feel like i'm losing control,
of even my own life..
i turn to music.

As corny as this may sound,
As awkward as it may make you feel,
As painful as it scratches the wall of my heart,
this is me.

the words that i long to tell,
the eyes filled with tears that's longing to dry,
the fingers that refuses to type,
the voice that can't sing as i choke with emotions.

for you, my love

2007-03-02T21:41:00.000+08:00

i carry your heart with me, i carry it in my heart
i am never without it; anywhere i go you go, my dear
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows:
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart:

i carry your heart... i carry it in my heart

by e.e. cummings

floating or sinking?

2007-02-13T12:54:00.000+08:00

am i barely floating?
or am i already sinking, but haven't realized yet?

Three years, one month and 6 days later.

i feel so jaded. numb. you know how that feels like?

everything used to be covered with chocolate and icing.
everybody used to be so damn nice.
everyone was a good colleague.
every sight used to be memorable.
every cloud had its silver lining.
and every damn rainbow ended with a pot of gold. somehow.

it's been so long since i've actually felt. anything.

After so many eleven eleven's, double one double one's, one one one one's and four one's...
i feel tired of the whole 'drama mama' thing.

i wanna rest. i wanna breathe. i wanna chillax.
i wanna quit this country, quit this job, quit my family, quit my life
and move out.

sounds a bit over-positive, don't you think?

but that's what i wanna be right now.
i want to be clear headed, positive, taking on challenges. i want to be myself.

i want to be myself again.

this thorn will be here for a long time, you ready to pull it out?

you don't want to break my heart again. i know.
i don't want my heart broken at all.

i just want peace. that's all.

a flower is forever

2007-02-02T22:40:00.000+08:00

Some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you're it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love
is only for the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes
the rose.

2007-01-31T16:13:00.000+08:00

*frustrated sigh*

i know you mean well, babes. i know.
i understand what you are trying to do, and i see where you're coming from.
i know you're just worried about what's going to happen.
i am too, babe.

sometimes, just let me go, ok? i'm big enough now, i think, to make my own decisions.

*another frustrated sigh*

i love complaining on this blog :D

it gives me the freedom of actually bitching non stop. hehehee. imagine this as being a... personal online diary. so.. its personal. some may ask why i talk so much here, or why i'm egoistic here, or why i'm bitching here, but it's mine mar.... and seriously i got nowhere else to bitch.

haha. so you guys gotta bear with me ok?

*Many more sighs to come*

ps: i just got poached by someone that i was poaching. haha. damn funny.

change

2007-01-29T13:55:00.000+08:00

Sometimes in our lives, we make choices and decisions that will affect our future in ways you and i can never imagine. A moment where, if you spent just an extra second pondering about it, you might change the outcome of your entire life.

A simple hello.
A simple hug.
A simple kiss.
A simple pat on the back.
A simple smile.
A simple conversation.
A simple lunch.

Can turn into

Many more hello's. and goodbye's.
Many more hugs.
Many more passionate kisses.
Many more comforting words.
Many more grins that could turn into laughter.
Many more conversations. on the phone. on msn.
Many more dates.

i can not lie and tell you today that i don't feel. about friendship. about family. about love.

about life.

about how you've changed my life.
turned it upside down.
how you've managed to touch this impenetrable hollow in my heart.
and filled it with love.
about the tears that run down my face.
that go dry when you kissed them away.
about how i now strive to humble myself before others.
and how i am learning to control my ego.
how i've never found a better friend in you.
and you strive to prove to me you're worth it. every single day.

about how i am trying to live my life and delight in the fact that i am alive today.
and happy.

i look forward to having many more split-second changes like these in my future. i'm going to enjoy the way you make me feel. i'm going to enjoy the challenges i face everyday. i'm going to enjoy the smile that you put on my face. i'm going to enjoy your company. i'm going to enjoy the freedom that life and love gives me. i'm going to enjoy every moment i spend on the phone with you. i'm going to remember you, and how you made me feel. i'm going to love you more and more with each coming day.

yes, you. you. and you.

you're complaining about pressure?

2007-01-25T13:20:00.000+08:00

wait till you see what kind of pressure i'm going through.

i give you 10, it's too little.
two days later i give you 30, and i'm disappointing you n the client.
next day i gave you 60, you say good.
but i can do better.
wow.
today you want 120.

i ask you to go to hell.

...

i am NOT your PA. i am NOT her PA.

this is 7 positions, BOSS. Not 20.

for 7 positions, you're asking me to come up with 200 candidates?

i might as well just hang myself.

maybe i should do that.

^&%#@!

because i want to procrastinate at work :0)

2007-01-18T12:05:00.000+08:00

1. What was I doing 10 years back...
i was 15, and just started morning session. It was the year that i found my first love, and probably the year i realized how cool wearing Baju Kurungs without a camisole is (just the bra, preferably lacy). Also the year i realized i loved History, and it continued to be one of my passions until today. it was also the year that i got molested in school by a bunch of kampung boys. IN school, mind you, during Teachers' Day celebration. Yeah. Hhmmm.

2.What was I doing 1 year back...
Dying under Ms Medusa from Deloitte. She was ruining my life, and i tried my best to make hers difficult too. Haha. i remember vaguely about grossly overspending on a myriad of things that i obviously do not need :0)

3. 5 snacks I enjoy...
i don't eat snacks. but i always crave for oily, fried meat. YUUMMMM. and spicy food as well.

4. 5 songs I know all the lyrics off my head right now...
Quite a lot, actually. Lemme seeee.... at the top of my head:-
a. Hurt, Christina Aguilera
b. Say Goodbye, Jordan Knight
c. Disenchanted, My Chemical Romance
d. "Meng Ngang", Justin
e. Kiss Goodbye, Wang Li Hom

Crap! i just realized all the songs are sad. mahai.

5. 5 things I would do if I am a millionaire...
a. Save 40% of it in FD
b. Invest 40% of it
c. Buy two LV bags, one Hermes bag, two pairs of Manolos, and one Gucci wallet
d. Buy better skincare (preferably SKII, Sisley or La Mer)
e. Pay RM50k off my parents' housing loan

6. 5 bad habits...
a. sighing
b. eating fried/oily/fatty food
c. cracking my knuckles and joints and back and chest and the list goes on and on and on
d. procrastinating
e. too friendly

7. 5 things you would never wear, buy or get new again...
a. frilly dresses (URGH! so unsophisticated. blergh)
b. dresses that are plain in colour and looks cheap (double blergh)
c. platform shoes (speaks for itself)
d. black eyeshadow and nail polish (too goth! Eewww!!)
e. anything with squid, octopus, salted fish, dried anchovies & shrimp, sambal, belacan.
f. manicure (completely pointless)
g. everything from Phillips (bloody incompetent, useless service people)
h. anything from MNG (so damn common. every girl has a piece)
i. calculator (no point. it's not like i will use it ever again. haha)

ok, i just had to put more than five. wahaha.

8. 5 favourite "toys"...
a. fingers
b. dildo
c. anything round at the end or resembles a mushroom head
d. whip
e. handcuffs

KIDDINNNNNGGGG!!!! :0)

Sorry lah, i don't play with any toys. But my fav stuff are:
a. Mobile (my trusted w810i)
b. Books (everything and anything)
c. Coffee (i'm sorry! it IS a thing, dammit!!)
d. Car (i sit in my baby 3 hours a day. i have to love it, you know?)
e. My baby pillow, so stinky, so shrunken, so... yummm..... :0) Can't sleep without it.

i refuse to tag anyone, so.. yeah! :D

Seven seven Seven

2007-01-17T16:53:00.000+08:00

positions.

Seven positions.

S-E-V-E-N!!

By 31st January!

i have to propose approximately 15 potential candidates (which could only possibly mean interviewing about 20 odd people, which could only mean spending 45 hours just on writing the damn profiles, which could only result in me hyperventilating for, ummm, say, the next two weeks?!!?!).

my boss happily sashayed over to me today and gladly informed that i have to fill in seven more positions.

sigh.

i don't think he realizes i'm new.

What say you?

FINE, i'm glad to be thrown all the work on, because this could only result in me being properly inducted into my work by the end of my second month... But then, isn't that what's work all about? Being overloaded beyond more than you can cope?

funny thing tho.. i'm kinda enjoying my job right now. a lot. the whole calling people, coaxing people to considering the position, even interviewing candidates, down through to writing the damned profiles (okay, this, i don't enjoy).

i'm such a conflicted and confused bitch.
On one hand, i cannot believe he's throwing so much shit (@ work) on me.
On the other hand, i'm actually enjoying my work (and whining about it a little. hehe)

--------------------------------------------------------

i miss leanne khor.
i miss matthew oh.
i miss my parents (seriously).
i miss you.

rendered speechless

2007-01-16T16:26:00.000+08:00

omg!

too much work is being thrown at me!

i can't breathe.

omg.

breathe, lucinda, breathe.

*slowly exhales breath*

ffffuuuuuuuuuuuu

okay, better.

i have a bitch of a consultant that's wedged between me and another colleague. praying that she'll leave soon. haha.

well, she did declare out loud she'd be resigning pretty soon.

*fingers crossed*

i turned around

2007-01-16T09:56:00.000+08:00

and saw You there. Out of the blue. in my dreams.

You came to me, offered me Your hand.

leading me, taking me onwards.

i see something familiar. i know this place.

but i can't quite put my finger on it.

i looked up at You. gazed at Your face. found Your eyes.

You were looking back at me.

"Do you want to follow me? I may not come back."

where are You taking me?

"Somewhere you have been dreaming of. I want you there."

but.. why? why me?

"I've always wanted you there with me. Since the beginning."

...

i hesitated. pulled back. felt unworthy of His love.

No, this is not real. No. Let me go back. Please. i wanna go.

"I'll be waiting for you."

and i will be waiting for the time for me to meet You. i cannot promise You it will be soon. i cannot promise You it will be next year, or the next.

but i do promise, that i do want to be with You. Eventually. With time, i will be there.

i promise.

with tears in my eyes, i walked away.

and never looked back.

2007-01-14T16:14:00.000+08:00

Yeah I've been so lost lately
I don't really understand baby
Where did I go wrong
I wanna talk to you
Please call

Where do I begin with you
after all that we've been through
I don't think that it would be right
if we got together so suddenly

I wish that I could take back all of the things that I said
and replace them with simply I love you instead

You didn't wanna say goodbye
But you never really seem like you wanna try
But I only wanted you to stay
and then I let you just slip away
If you didn't listen to your heart inside
then it really doesn't matter what was on your mind
and if you need me then tell me why
Girl, I never meant to say goodbye

I think about the past baby
Why we couldn't make it last, lady
I know you still have doubts
But I'm gonna prove that we can work things out
I wanna be sure that you know what you put me through
and reveal that you intend to never let me down again
It's clear to me and I can't ignore
that I have to give you something I couldn't before

I didn't think that we would come to this
Your eyes, your face, your smile is what I miss
Why did you wait so long to take me back
It's all a simple misunderstanding

You didn't wanna say goodbye
But you never really seem like you wanna try
But I only wanted you to stay
and then I let you just slip away
If you didn't listen to your heart inside
then it really doesn't matter what was on your mind
and if you need me then tell me why
Girl, I never meant to say goodbye

Say Goodbye - Jordan Knight and Deborah Gibson

I feel like THIS right now. sigh.

exhaustion is the key to success.

2007-01-10T18:03:00.000+08:00

...

or so i thought.

yawn.

dammit, never been so damn mentally exhausted in the past 7 months.

My beloved new boss now throws ALL his cases on my now-painful head. He constantly neglects to pass any cases to the other researcher, who is, incidentally 1 month more senior than me.

hhmm.

i'm not too sure as of now, whether his motives are to make me his PA or he 'tai hei ngor'.

doubt its the latter.

Work exhaustion has been slowly creeping up on me these past weeks since i started, till i don't have time to blog. sniff.

But not to say i'm not happy. i kinda am. kinda cool boss. kinda cool colleagues.

Job... so so lah.... but it's something i gotta learn and rough it through, cause this is where i wanna be, long term. and there is no better place to learn than here (or so i heard).

bah whatever.

------------------------------------------------------------

My bestie, Leanne Khor came back two weeks back, and she's about to leave soon!
BOOHOOO.

i'll miss you sweetie. SMOOOOOCH. *cries*

If you do not get back to Malaysia by June 2008, the 'maid of honour' post will be given to another. Consider this a threat.

>.<

Yes i love you too sweetie.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Tata! gotta rush for dinner at hilton

:D

The year that was 2006

2006-12-20T12:05:00.000+08:00

love, hate, tears, jumping for joy, new career paths, dota, pool, books, heart-felt moments, newfound bestie and support mate, blog, forever and never, weddings, plans, broken friendships, ego, laughter, joy, sadness, alcohol, more dota and pool, quitting ciggies and leading a healthy life.

these keywords draws the basic outline of my year.

Two heartbreaks.

One cute dog (whom i've since lost, doggie must've left Riana Green basement car park. Even food can't lure it out).

Egoistic men brought my life to a standstill.

Ached over a friend that ended up only wanted to use me for his own gain.

In turn, found a new bestie in form of Matt, a.k.a support mate. And yes, of course, who can forget Boon, my new bff (coughs).

Fell in love all over again, again. With you.

Suffered for 3 days under the Fruit Fast programme, just to detox.. and ended up quitting cigarettes. Alcohol has been consumed in minimal amounts (1 mug of beer a week).

Felt more accepted by Kheong's family, since his sister's wedding two weeks ago.

Found a workplace where i finally belong. An industry which i can see myself being in for the next 3-4 years; at least until i retire from employment, and start employing myself :D

Got my own pool cue. A gorgeous white beauty.

Addicted to dota.

What i've learnt in 2006:
1. To give my all in everything i do.
2. Not to give up and give in.
3. Stay strong, as a woman.
4. That friends come and go, but true friends stay a lifetime.
5. No matter what, my family comes first.
6. i cannot be so choosy when it comes to work anymore. if it's not working out, start fixing it.
7. The best boss is someone who understands that people make mistakes, guides them, supports them, listens to them, stays sober during working hours, and gives a pat on their back when they deserve it.
8. He's still my love.
9. To drive in kl (it's not easy, okay)
10. How to give up a friendship when it's over, and how to walk away with my dignity intact.

Another year gone, a new one approaches.

Will this coming year be better than the last? Will this bring more sadness or happiness?

Will i be brave enough to weather it through?

10 more days.
Nothing more than a heartbeat.

Then it'll be a brand-spanking new year.

A new journey, for you and me!

Here's to a Merry merry christmas and crazy new year! May this journey be smoother than the last *fingers crossed*

-The biggest hugs and kisses from me-

2006-12-14T09:44:00.000+08:00

more often than not, your heart knows something is wrong before it registers in your brain.

sometimes an itch is all it takes.

a gentle brush and a finger pushing the hair out of your eyes, means so much more than a kiss.

a whisper of support and care possibly touches the heart more than mutterings of sweet nothings.

absence truly does make the heart grow fonder.

do not judge a book by its cover. Things you see may not be the way it seems. Everybody makes this mistake everyday.

not one day has gone by without me wishing.

a million reasons and excuses is never enough.

a lifetime of trust can be broken by one simple misdeed.

forever means nothing if the heart is incapable of loving.

you don't have to shout to have an argument. silence is sufficient.

love is not that simple. love is not that complicated. love is, just the way it is.

2006-12-12T09:49:00.000+08:00

when you held my hand last nite
i thought i felt my heart skip a beat
yet again, for the thousandth time

maybe forever is in our cards, somewhere
or it might not even last a lifetime

when i hear 'i love you'
i yearn to believe it, so much so till i forget everything else

i've been holding your hand
for close to 3 years now

an achievement, no doubt, to both of us
where happiness lies in the ability to cuddle up at home
with nothing but a dvd
(or a good book in my hands, and dota in yours)

we're 24
in 2 weeks time, we'll cross over the threshold

i got my first white hair
you've had yours 9 years ago
is this a sign that we're growing old together?

after all,
you did hold my hand when we were 15

Perhaps.

heart

2006-12-12T09:20:00.000+08:00

about 12 days ago, a black doggie came up to me as i got down my car after work back home.

he didn't look famished; as though he used to be someone's dog. Perhaps he ran out of the house when the gate was open.

he was completely black, with brown markings at his chest and legs. a short adorable malaysian doggie. Don't get me wrong, he looks old (i assumed he's around 6 yrs old as he already had white hairs along his back).

The little doggie was so sweet as it came up to me, sniffed my legs and wagged its tail.

it wanted to play.

*melts*

i patted it a little bit; cooed at it a little bit and then ran back up (i was late for an appointment, see).

told my daddy to give a call to the stupid riana green management to call spca to bring the poor fellow away and give it shelter. with its sweet demeanour i'm sure it'll get adopted soon.

'requested' my parents to feed it. problem was, apparently the dog split as soon as it saw my dad. Hhmmm think my dad's damn scary la.. even to animals (sigh)

5 days passed.

after an hour's jam from kl and soaking under a hot shower; i went down to LG to meet with kheong.

the doggie was still there.

tried to whistle it over. it came, sniffed me, then walked off.

he looked alright.

gave an sms to my parents to feed the poor thing.

7 more days passed.

i came home last nite around 7.30, only to find the poor doggie greeting me as i got out of my car again.

he was stick thin.

No one fed him for the past 12 days! twelve days!!!

rushed up, took a quick shower and told my parents.

practically begged them for some food. in return, i said i would give the dog my share as well. so i just ate a couple tablespoons full of rice and a bit of potatoes and pork.

the rest i just put it nicely in a container with a lot of rice and vegetables. mummy was nice enough to mix it all up with a bit of gravy as well (dogs just dont eat veg, see). so that way, doggie will get extra nutrients thru the veg.

i went down 20 min earlier (before kheong came) to search for the dog.

walked in the rain for 10 min searching for him.

never prayed so hard in the past few months. needed to find the doggie so i can feed him (was worried i couldn't find him).

found him lurking in the basement entrance. rushed over, opened the cover of the container and lured him out to my car which was parked outside... he looked famished! Ate about 80% of it.

Gave me a grateful look, and wagged its tail.. aww.

why hasn't anybody fed him?

people passing by were actually astonished that i was feeding him! One dude in a bmw literally stopped as i was talking to it, and gave me the 'one eyebrow up' look.

WHAT? Never see people feeding a stray before ah?

...

anyhow, i drew up a plan to feed the doggie. Kheong will bring some pork ribs, meat (from soup) and rice twice a week. i will beg my parents for food twice a week.

A doggie should be ok, hor, if he's fed 4 times a week?

In the meantime, i'm gonna pester my daddy to BUG the crap out of the mgmt to give shelter to the dog. the sweetie deserves better.

*heart melts*

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!!

2006-12-08T15:25:00.000+08:00

Oh NO!!!!! *wails dramatically*

Grace, my new colleague found something on my head:

A white hair!

Just one.

But oh my God... do you know what this means?

AARRGGGHHHHHHHHH

...

i'm getting old!

Besides that i'm also worried that i would turn out like my mom!
Her entire head is white! And this hereditery white-haired syndrome started when she was 26!
Oh my God.
Please no no no no no....

i don't think it's hereditery, no? But my mum said it is!

SHIT!!!

..................................................

Shit.....

Sigh... Please, Lord, let me be white-hair free for the next 10 years.

*whimpers*

please

Warm and Fuzzy and Smiles

2006-11-30T11:49:00.000+08:00

Grammatically wrong, but i'm happy!

The place here is fabulous!

The people are fantastic!

The work is really interesting!

The radio is on! LOUD! :D

The view is good! 23rd Floor!

Boss is SOO-PER!

The lady next to me is great (Loud, but still great!)!

Colleagues here are darn nice *Getting warm and fuzzy already*

Be happy for me! I found my abode somewhere over the rainbow.

Finally *smiles*

still a useless bastard after all.

2006-11-29T16:21:00.000+08:00

i know i've been writing pissed-off posts lately, but you canNOT blame me.

Some of you might remember the post i wrote about a 'friend' whom i helped out a lot?

By doing his resume, word for word.
By fetching him around in kl, because he didnt have a car.
By going all the way to kl because ALL of them had no cars.
By driving to kl to club, because they wanted me to tag along... when i'd never drive at night after 12am. Never.

----------------------------------------------------------

So here i was, thinking an occassional sms or an occassional call was ok.

Didnt bother about that useless asshole much after he pissed me off so badly two months or so back.

And then the calls started again.

--------------------------------------------------------

To XXX:

i've had enough of you complaining your sorry ass to me every single time something doesn't work out for you.

i'm sick and tired of hearing you rant on and on and on about everything.

haven't i paid my dues?

did i not walk away nicely? so as not to wound your pathetic small heart?

And what about the damn calls? You mother fucker. I thought you were trying to be nice again. I thought you wanted to have a bit of this friendship back, and decided to take the first step.

I let you in. again.

I picked up your fucking calls. I listened to you rant on and on.

I thought you just needed an ear to listen to your problems.

...

Until you said the magic words:

"Hey can you do me a favour?"

You started asking me about the contacts I had. Their names, their numbers.
Do you take me for a fool? Fine, i LET you take me for a fool just once on Monday.
Never-Mind.
Give you the name and number of contact person.

Then today. Called me out of the blue. Warning bells startede ringing. Never-Mind.

After what seemed a normal conversation... the magic words came out again:

"Hey, before you go can you do me a favour? You know *who and who* at Vincci/Padini/Seed right? I need the names. FULL names."

i kept quiet. i gave the first name. And then i said i didnt know the last name. And i said i wasn't going to give it to him if i found out.

Can't you take NO as an answer?

Do i look like a one-stop information guide?

Did you not take me for granted enough? Did you not use me enough?

What more do i owe you?

I have paid my dues, through and through.

I've had enough of helping you out. Of listening to your whining. Of giving you contacts of people i know and like. Just so you can 'do your business'.

I know i'm mean. But if you have the damn capabilities, you would find the contacts yourself.

And if you really needed my help.. It wouldn't fucking hurt to be nice to me from the heart. It wouldn't hurt for you to be my friend because you wanted to. It wouldn't fucking hurt your small heart to actually listen to me for once, and not insult me the moment i give you the contact.

----------------------------------------------------------

I quit.

I really quit.

I dont even know why was i so fucking naive to help you in the first damn place.

I'm sure with your capabilities, it shouldn't be a problem for you to do your business on your own.

A new day begins tomorrow

2006-11-29T15:31:00.000+08:00

i start my new job tomorrow.

i have a very good feeling about this.

i know i'm gonna work hard, and do my best.

it might get frustrating at times, but i'm not going to give up.

....

hhmmm, actually, i haven't felt this good about a job before. Nor as excited

:D

i think it's a good sign, don't you? *smiles*

Assholes and more

2006-11-26T18:23:00.000+08:00

Well i've been dota-ing for.. erm, the past 5 months.

Not to say i'm in any way Pro, but i can say i'm okaylah. Obviously still get murdered by super -geng people like daniel and jen when they bump into me on the lane. Or rather, I bump into them.

LoL

----------------------------------------------------------------

You know about what they say about people's character 'showing' when they're playing a game?

Like i knew this dude who used to play mahjong with me, and when he lost he'll start throwing tiles at people, and nearly turned the table over.

Another person i know actually cheats in any game. And i really mean ANY.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Like i was saying about Dota, with relevance to the above statement about people's characters showing when in play?

Pissed me off completely when a friend's friend came over to join us for games.

We win some, we lose some.

Losing and winning comes hand in hand.

I'm okay about losing.

What i hate most are thieves.

A person who comes into your base and takes your item, which is inside the fountain and actually taking it. Using it.

And never returns it when asked nicely.

What kind of spineless person would do that?

Like, hello, we spent loads of money buying those items, and irregardless of whether i am losing or not, you as the opponent can NOT take the items.

i'm absolutely disgusted.

Petooi.

HeLLo!!!!

2006-11-24T17:46:00.000+08:00

:)

Congratulations, people, on finding my humble blog..

Well, considering i have 'a couple' of you guys on my friendster list, it's no wonder one could and would find it.

----------------------------------------------------------

To some of you whom i love and appreciate, i'm gonna say thanks..

:D

Some of you sweethearts have gone through the shitty parts of my 4 months with me, helped me through, and two of you have covered my arse pretty well.

You guys know who you are (when i gave a rather teary goodbye before i left).

I will never forget what you guys have done for me. Ever.
That's how much i appreciate you dears.. :)

---------------------------------------------------------

To some of you whom i have neither love/hate feelings, hello!

Don't really like you guys nosing in, but hello too!

---------------------------------------------------------

To the particular you that i do not like... :)

Hi!

Well, to say you helped me out with you know who, was a bit... of an overstatement.

Why? Hhmm let me count the reasons:-

No.1: You are NOT to bitch about a client to other people in the same industry. Never. Do you know why? Because it makes your company look bad. And word gets around, ok, it does.

No.2: You are NOT supposed to drink during office hours. Regardless of whether you are on fasting (or not). Period.

No.3: Even after a drinking binge which you do in my boss's office, you do NOT swagger around and parade that you are.

Well, i mean, you're a pretty nice dude and all. Really, you are.

But the three reasons above is exactly why i wrote the post that i did.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I do not exactly like to burn bridges. Really.

This is a personal blog. This is where i pour out MY personal feelings.. hence why it's personal.

What i feel about any of you, and how i live my life is none of your business.

If you wanna read it, go ahead. You might not like it, and your opinion of me might change, but there are some things that i don't give a damn about.

And this is one of it.

hic burp groan

2006-11-21T19:26:00.000+08:00

Didnt realize anyone could get drunk on beer

*sheepish smile*

yeah yeah (waves hand) i'm a bad bad drinker..

it was like my entire high school was there at the wedding.. and the bride, wisely put me on the same table as the drinkers.

Woohoo.

Big surprise.

:D

Pictures later.

---------------------------------------------------------

Wanted to go on a fruit fast on Monday, but considering i was suffering a slight hangover... decided it was a bad choice.

Today is my 1st fruit fast day.

and honestly?

It's pure agony.

Just walking by all the ice cream shops, the chue pah shops and all the yummy yet sinful things i know i shouldn't even smell... sigh.... it's hard, this is.

Sigh.

2 more days to go (While munching on fucking expensive grapes)

Fucking expensive grapes, mind you.

Congratulations

2006-11-19T18:00:00.000+08:00

A happy couple is married.

:)

Congratulations, Chia Tee on your fantabulous wedding.

May you and your beloved husband have many happy years ahead of you.. :)

ps: Hope the food is good at Shang. hehe.

bittersweet

2006-11-17T18:37:00.000+08:00

a call

that was all it took

just a call

i could almost hear the warning bells ring. i swear i did

---------------------------------------------------

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broken inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Christina - Hurt

says who? Says me!!

2006-11-15T10:01:00.000+08:00

Whoooopeedodaaah

*jumps hops skips*

Celebrate with me!

:D

Guess what?

*blink blink*

It's my last day of work today! Yay!! *throws confetti into the air*

*Luc then proceeds to jump around in joy, twirling in confetti; all this while grinning like a bobcat*

I'll be on a 12 day break before i sell my soul again to the devil. Well, at least it's a better devil, you know what i mean?

Ah... the sweet bliss of being unemployed till dec 1. I've never had a proper holiday before i started work. Jumped in straight to hell after i graduated. Now, at least, i am getting two weeks, which is in my eyes.. Perfect.

:D

Random stuff

2006-11-11T22:24:00.000+08:00

Celibacy my ass....

yeah.

So far, my week of 'no alcohol and nicotine' was broken yesterday night.

Lok's birthday, and i guzzled down two shots of gin 7-up that Nick brought. And smoked like a chimney (nicked it off Ivor n Abel) while eating fantabulous grilled lamb chops and crispy roast duck.

We were so bored we ended up watching James Bond. The James Bond movie with Sean Connery in it.

Sean Connery.

LoL.

It was a bit old school la, but quite cute in its way. Pity they dont make shows like that anymore.

-----------------------------------------------------------

It's Saturday night... 10.30pm.

I'm in a cc waiting to play dota. Sigh.

There goes another weekend.

----------------------------------------------------------

But i will be on a two week break from work... i'm going to HeadHunting now, so, wish me luck.

i'm dumping this stupid idiotic PR company in Plaza Damansara and heading to downtown KL.

Say Hello to daily jamming sessions.

---------------------------------------------------------

Why the fuck is everybody so late?!

.....

---------------------------------------------------------

I actually kinda like Taman Desa.

Especially the old trees that line the roadside...
It's like going back to your hometown.Like the place where you grew up in.
The picturesque place looks like it's taken right out of Nostalgia Book (Our SMDJ high school book)

Food here is good.. especially Info.
Ok, no, it's not called Info. It's called Sri Neelas, but we just like it as 'info'.

Played pool for a couple of hours just now before heading up to the cc.
Downstairs the kepas were singing chinese songs ala karaoke style
o.O

--------------------------------------------------------

My brother bought a cue identical to mine.

=_='

--------------------------------------------------------

i'm so bored.

Where the fuck is everybody?!

Perhaps we're just early. Everybody else follows 'malaysian time'.

Think i will learn to practice that soon. At least i won't be waiting on my fat ass all the time for ppl to show up.

Sigh.

oh No!

2006-11-07T16:10:00.000+08:00

eeeeep!!

i'm such a horn-bag

Dating Strengths	Dating Weaknesses
1. Flirtiness - 100% 2. Varied Interests - 85.7% 3. Adventurousness - 83.3% 4. Confidence - 66.7% 5. Friendliness - 62.5%	1. Selfishness - 81.8% 2. Humorlessness - 62.5% 3. Vanity - 58.3% 4. Negative Reputation - 55.6% 5. Lack of Essentials - 50%

Dating Strengths Explained
Flirtiness - Flirting is a good way to break the ice, and you are a pro at it. Being flirtatious will open up many dating opportunities. Varied Interests - You don't limit yourself, and that's a dating asset. Your varied interests make you available and interesting to a wider range of guys. Adventurousness - You are willing to try new things and be spontaneous. You want to get out there and really live, and you will attract people with a similar love of life. Confidence - You are sure of yourself and confident of your abilities. Displays of confidence go a long way when attracting a date. Friendliness - Your friendliness makes you approachable and fun to be around. A wide circle of friends also works to your advantage on the dating scene.
Dating Weaknesses Explained
Selfishness - You think too much of yourself and your needs. You must learn to put your partner first and tend to his needs. Humorlessness - You need to learn how to take a joke, or better yet how to tell a good one. A well-developed sense of humor is high on the list of desired traits for daters. Vanity - Learn to put a lower priority on looks. Appearance is, of course, important, but vanity is undesireable. The only people you will attract are the superficial. Negative Reputation - Your reputation may be working against you. Sometimes this is impossible to control, but try to counter-act it by presenting yourself in positive ways. Lack of Essentials - Dating is difficult for you because you lack certain key things, which may include private space, a car, money, or a nice wardrobe. Work toward obtaining these essentials!
Take the Dating Diversions Latest Online Dating Quiz

-------------------------------------------------------------

i guess the whole point is finding your center, no?

For example.. when i was growing up, sex was always a no-no in my family. Even after 11 boyfriends, with NO sexual results (cause i was scared, see) i thought i was doomed. So i told myself i'd loosen up and be more sexual.

Everything went...
Downhill.

I guess i over-did it.
Flirted with EVERY TOM DICK AND HARRY AVAILABLE.

But now, i've sorta found where i'm most comfortable at.. somewhere in the middle.

Finding your center is hard, no?

Some people tend to be too aggressive after a lifetime of being called a pussy.
Some people tend to be too vain after a lifetime of being called fat and ugly and unwanted.

It took me 5 years to build ME.
I can't say i'm satisfied yet.
I can't say i'm perfect.

But i'm working towards it. I wanna be happy with myself.
It's just, hard.
*shrugs*

2006-11-03T15:37:00.000+08:00

Disenchanted - My Chemical Romance (from the album Black Parade)

Well I was there on the day they sold the cause for the queen
And when the lights all went out
We watched our lives on the screen

I hate the ending myself
But it started with an alright scene

It was the roar of the crowd
That gave me heartache to sing
It was a lie when they smiled
And said, "you won't feel a thing"
And as we ran from the cops
We laughed so hard it would sting

Yeah yeah, oh
If i'm so wrong (so wrong, so wrong)
How can you listen all night long? (all night long, all night long)
And will it matter after I'm gone?
Because you never learned a god damned thing

You're just a sad song
With nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
Well if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to you

I spent my high school career
Spit on and shoved to agree
So I could watch all my heroes
Sell a car on tv
Bring out the old guillotine
We'll show 'em what we all mean

Yeah yeah, oh
If i'm so wrong (so wrong, so wrong)
How can you listen all night long? (all night long, all night long)
Now will it matter long after I'm gone
Because you never learned a god damned thing

You're just a sad song
With nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
Well if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to you

So go, go away, just go, run away.
Now where did you run to?
And where did you hide?
Go find another way
Price you pay

You're just a sad song
With nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
Well if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to you, come on
You're just a sad song
With nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
Well if you think that I'm wrong
This never meant nothing to you
At all

***la-da-di-da.....Hums along in office***

This album is awesome!!! =D

it's Friday?
it's Friday?!
it's Friday!!!!

*grins like a stupid bitch*

hehee.

and No, i ain't clubbing. i ain't drinking.
i'm gonna be a health freak this week.

Will abstain from alcohol.
Nicotine, if i can..

And exercise and sleep my weekend away...
(with the exception of 5 hours of dota tonight and on sunday)

-----------------------------------------------------------

Eh do i sound like a Dota Expert? I'm not, bk! i'm NOT!!
Stop asking me questions about how to build up diff heroes because i have NO EXPERIENCE.
(oklah, maybe for half of them lah)
but i'm SOOOOOO Noobish, there's just no point for you to listen to my opinions.

Really.

Please stop asking me.

=D

hhmm.. think about it, no one should ever ask me for advice.

and if i want to or can't help myself, don't listen.

>.<

Bitch-Mode ON

2006-11-01T10:23:00.000+08:00

for the next 10 minutes.

....

i have this 'friend' who's actually quite an alright guy. Got to know him 2 years ago, and he was sweet and considerate last time when he came back to KL after a hiatus in down under.

asked us over for supper, bbq, play cards, drinks..

all of a sudden, he got really popular with the "who's who"and he did a 180 degree turn

... a snippet of our conversation:
Me: *blab about a reality tv show* yak yak yak
Him: Hey i know ms xxxxxxx from there. Grew up together. Actually ah... *add unimportant details here*

He doesn't realize that all the girls are actually going out with him because he's rich.
Or that he continually buys alcohol for ALL HIS FRIENDS and spends THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS on them just to have fun. Nevermind la. He rich mar. No. Wait. HIS FATHER is rich mar.

Just add it into the tab man. No worries.

The worst is, after he got 'so damn fucking' popular, he started treating me like shit. Which is pretty alright, really. i don't care.

What pisses me off is this; i realized what a fucking shallow asshole he really is.
If i wear like normal (slippers, skirt, t shirt) he says i'm annoying la, i'm bitchy la, i'm stupid la.
Watever. Nevermind.
If i wear like damn nice (with high heels, dress, makeup) he is DAMN nice to me ok. Like, "Do you want ice with that dear" nice.

WTF?!

His way of rating a chick:

Mandatory features: Gorgeous looking. Sexy.
Optional features: Brains not necessary. Just enough character to fill a teacup.

*huffs*

idiot.

pictures!!!

2006-10-30T09:27:00.000+08:00

i know i owe you chee hooi.. :D

and you know you love me too

*mmhhmmm*

(Grins like a monster)

After a while, you guys should learn never to trust me to post up pics as soon as i take 'em.. i'll procrastinate uploading it until... my collection swells to over 50 pictures. haahha

Well i'm really bad with days, so.. in random order (all clubbing pictures and such are dated from July up to one month ago)

Boo! =D

Max.. taking me taking you. Starbucks times square, on a weekday (i took m.c.)

Moi with Bob at Passion

Max, Passion

WaaaahhHhhhhhhh *jumps around like a fool*

Apparently deep in contemplation *huffs* o.O

Kheong n i at Italiannies, before the reunion party at passion

Mouse!! =)

Mouse and rachel

Mouse, dagu and rachel

Deloitte chicks

tongkia!

The laughing Buddha and tongkia

Babes

Babes and rachel

Roger and CheeHooi (a.k.a. Mouse, Hamster, any gerbil-like mammal.. cute mar!!)

k i'm getting high already.. y so many pics wan? Shit. Padan Muka.

The Pointing Part 1

The Pointing Part 2

The many weird expressions of DJ Crew

oklah, i'm officially too drunk

Say bye bye boys!

i say bye bye now!!

Oklah.... i was too drunk that night to know what really happened. Apparently there were stories of 'ehem' flirting with the deloitte girls, and humping one of them. hahaaha...

The week after the DJ reunion

Dinner @ souled out.. here's drew carey, nixsu and candice

Lok lok! He's my personal trainer now.. i'm doing weight resistance training at the 'mo.

Edwin Choy! in poppy

Oklah.. here's the story.. went to poppy with edwin, bob (Both ex dj-ians) with matt, james (he grabbed my ass that night ok? he's a BAD ass grabber mind you) and mouse. I ended up getting drunk... and i remember ed saying he's getting sober! So i mixed him a SUPER ASS KAU whiskey coke, and i recall forcing him to finish it... he was taking SO DAMN LONG with it lor. so not funny. a girl can do better.... when hamster asked me to move my freaking ass.. "Raid luc! Raid!!!"... and here i was telling ed.. "You drink finish first then we go! Faster laaaaa by todayyy!"

And then i heard shouting. And saw ppl rushing out... i was like 'SHIT!' and Ed was still trying to finish his drink. And for the record, yes, he DID finish the drink before we ran out, and managed to sneak out and escape the raid.. lol

Merdeka Eve @ Curve!

And they say I AM the camwhore. *pphhbbt*

James. hAhaha. Nothing beats the "Initial D Look"

Boys

Andy (Anyone wants to buy this?) =D

Babes posing

Deloitte peeps in SS (Which, surprisingly, closed down. I thought they were doing well. The lady owner still throws parties for her regulars at her place with free liquor till 7am wat. Hhmm. Owes Curve RM500k)

Before a nite out with Info crew

My life in candlelight

My other half

You can see sanjee, adeline and irms

Uni mates reunion at Ascott

i was sober that night. hahaa.

Boys.

Yawnz. i'm so sleepy. This is seriously hard work ok? Be grateful, CheeHooi!! =D

i did the unbelievable.

2006-10-27T17:36:00.000+08:00

..

i stopped clubbing and drinking for a month, since Peedee.

SHIT.

i didn't go to Laundry, nor did i go to Passion/Poppy/Breakers/Matrix or anywhere of that sort.

for a month.

SHIT.

a month... o.O

(oklah, i don't call drinking at home with nick, ivor and abel as drinking la ok. it's just not right. i need to go out, spend some cash and drink till i get pissed drunk, which i have not done in 1 month. crap, am i really that superficial? sigh)

oh, never mind me.

i'm just being really bitchy.. with the pms and the 'i need to look for a better job' mood.

*sniff*

sshhh

2006-10-24T20:19:00.000+08:00

little itsy bitsy secrets on me..

1. when i wash my hands, i count from 1 to 10, 5 times. out loud.
2. i have a tendency to buy facial and hair products on whim. and these are really expensive stuff. more than my weakness for clothes.
3. i swear by Cellnique's stuff.
4. i hate it that kheong's head is so big. and so brute-ish
5. i grew so fat (fine, not literally, but i gained a fair bit of weight) that i started lying about my weight. i'm actually 52 but i convince everybody i'm still 50.
6. i'm a bit obsessed about jazzercise (not a secret, but it's in my head everyday) cause my ass is so damn fucking tight now
7. i use the same black clutch to club every time.
8. i rotate between 8 really nice tops to club. yeah. that's all, really.
9. i actually like getting drunk.
10. when i get upset over relationship issues, i drown myself in those noxious liquids.
11. i tell people "i don't play arcade games (even the racing ones) because it's pointless and mum said not to" for ages... but the truth is: i can't play for shits.
12. my 1st computer game was Sims. And i really never learnt to play anything else till DOTA 5 months ago.
13. i didn't dare measure my waist for the past 2 years. hehe. although i'm sure it ranges around 25-27 inches... =P
14. i told my parents i've already quit smoking. i lied. i'm not really quitting, you know what i mean?
15. always felt that my brother was a useless prat. But he's proven he's not...
16. yes, i'm secretly proud of him and his dedication to his job.
17. but i'm still very pissed at him for not chipping into the family, tho he earns like, RM700 more than me o.O
18. always felt my parents loved him more than me. and that he was always right. i thought i was the black sheep of the family and not loved... until i saw my parents cry.
19. i suck at piano. even tho i finished grade 8
20. i drive very well. Really!! =) And i used to race my benz before i trashed it pretty bad and my dad sold it off and got me a puny picanto. urgh.
21. i secretly crave to settle down soon.
22. i'm very picky with friends. i actually find it easier to talk to guys than girls.
23. it's Leanne's birthday on Thursday.. ssshhhhhh
24. i think that i can't express myself for real.
25. my feet are HUGE!
26. my boobs are tiny. the barely there sort. *LONG sigh*
27. i always misplace my diamond ring. hehee. ALWAYS.
28. i have my own cue. but it doesn't mean i'm fantastic. i have good days and bad days in pool. Sometimes i am on excellent form, and other days i can't even beat a pool-noob. sigh
29. i hate sugary drinks. Water is my favourite liquid.
30. i always suck in my stomach when i go out. Always.
31. i have a penchant for minesweeper. And Freecell.

now you know. *nods head*

good.

the official nosy fucker of the year

2006-10-20T12:51:00.000+08:00

i cannot believe what a partner in this firm is doing.

he's drinking.

at 10am.

by 11am, he was drunk.

He swaggered over to everybody and started spreading rumours to my boss.. loudly PROCLAIMING at the top of his lungs that i am leaving the company.

i don't know how he knows.

But no one here knows.

SO.. my direct boss confronted me, to which she said "i heard rumours going around that you're leaving us. Are you?"

i replied "Er. i'm here, am i not? i'm still doing my job, no? So? Wat's the big issue?"

that nosy arsehole should have his shoe stuffed into his mouth to stop the bitching.

No. WAIT.

i'll put some RICE on a SLIPPER and pass it to him, so he can have a good hearty meal.

"sek tho hai fan"

After all, he IS leeching off his malay wife (my big boss).

***edit: Sorry, i meant that the white guy is not a partner. Typo. His wife is. He's just a director of the firm. He's in charge of drinking and smoking and.... not doing anything. The dude onli gets allowance from his wife. No pay. HHmmm.. Poor thing, actually.. and that's the truth***

2006-10-19T15:24:00.000+08:00

i stand at the edge of reason;
contemplating and reminiscing
i stand affronting all;
even the ones that i have learnt to love

if i ran away;
will you blame me?
if i broke down and cried;
would you hold me tight?
if i begged you to stay;
would you still kiss me goodbye?
if i turned you away with harshness;
would you forgive me?

i stand here alone;
no matter how long, no matter how far
i will still be here

--------------------------------------------

i always knew i was stupid in some way for loving you.

i realize at one point or many in my life that i have to learn. that i have to wake up.

to stop blaming myself. to stop blaming you. to learn to laugh and smile again.. without tears.

in my weakness i have allowed you in. now i reap the consequences.

in all my glory, no matter how fucking far i run away and wish to start over.. i can't.

eternally i am stuck here. with you. with me.

this isn't how it's really meant to be.

what else but the haze? =_="

2006-10-18T11:42:00.000+08:00

i'm getting sick and tired of the haze.

i wake up every morning, hoping to see a bright sun shiny day.. and what do i get?
Smog and burning eyes.

i can't sleep WITH air con because i have sinusitis.
i can't sleep WITHOUT air con because it's too fucking hot.

Wat am i going to do? Stop work until the haze is over?

-------------------------------------------------------

Exerpts from a great piece from The Sun 18.10.2006 (can't find the article online)

ENOUGH OF HAZY TALK: JUST DO IT.
by Derek Fernandez

"API readings don't mean much when throats are on fire. It is unforgiveable that children have to breathe this carcinogenic muck at a tender age. Muslims have to suffer more during this Ramadhan period since they have to abstain from drinking water under very severe conditions...

... For nearly a decade we have put up with an inconsiderate neightbour who shows no signs of taking action, except to issue meaningless statements of regret and apology.

... The claim that Indonesia does not have the resources to fight the fires is a joke since if they needed help then they should have asked for it a long time ago, ratified the Asean agreement in 2005 and prosecuted the culprits whom they partly blame.

Surely 10 years is long enough. What is more shocking is that our leaders play the same old broken record of excuses, which frankly everybody is sick of hearing. The impotence of ASEAN to solve such a serious problem after so many years just lends support to the criticism that ASEAN is just a "talk fest".

Indonesia on their part continues to blame, in part, the problem on Malaysian companies carrying out land clearing by burning which is prohibited..... If this is true, please give us the list of Malaysian companies and their directors who are involved together...

... Please stop talking about it, signing pieces of paper or regurgitating the same verbiage at conferences."

---------------------------------------------------------

I hope this clears matters up for some of you.

Come on, the Malaysian government can do better than that.

Instead of spending approximately RM50-100K for each session of Cloud Seeding, why not seed over Indonesia? Haven't they realized BY NOW that cloud seeding HERE will not clear the haze? Come on.. another whiff of wind, and voila.. we're covered in smog again.

No wonder Sabah is now claiming they're broke. Dudes.. RM50-100K each session wei. How not to be broke?

If only the Indonesian government would allow them to fly over to Kalimantan and seed over there. I'm certain that the resutls will be better than the ones we're seeing now.

Hopeless cases.

......

my inspiration

2006-10-17T09:43:00.000+08:00

this excerpt from the Secret Garden inspires me the most.. in this small paragraph... all the secrets of life are carefully spelt out for us to read. Can you imagine reading this paragraph when you're little?

One of the strange things about living in the world is that it is only now and then one is quite sure one is going to live forever and ever and ever. One knows it sometimes when one gets up at the tender solemn dawn-time and goes out and stands alone and throws one's head far back and looks up and up and watches the pale sky slowly changing and flushing and marvelous unknown things happening until the East almost makes one cry out and one's heart stands still at the strange unchanging majesty of the rising of the sun--which has been happening every morning for thousands and thousands and thousands of years. One knows it then for a moment or so. And one knows it sometimes when one stands by oneself in a wood at sunset and the mysterious deep gold stillness slanting through and under the branches seems to be saying slowly again and again something one cannot quite hear, however much one tries. Then sometimes the immense quiet of the dark blue at night with millions of stars waiting and watching makes one sure; and sometimes a sound of far-off music makes it true; and sometimes a look in some one's eyes.

i wish i read this when i was a child.. things would've been so much simpler.. =)

it pains me

2006-10-16T11:26:00.000+08:00

Look at this! Woohooooo...

i'm so fucking impressed man..... =D

http://thestaronline.com/news/story.asp?file=/2006/10/16/nation/15737201&sec=nation&focus=1

Now we can all be rest assured that everything will be transparent. that everything will be crystal-clear. We dont have to worry anymore hor?

*rolls eyes*

------------------------------------------------------

it pains me.

...

it pains me to see the government 'trying' to eradicate corruption... when the problem is at the grassroots. Try changing the education system first.
it pains me to see the government declaring that Chinese in Malaysia are not marginalised. when it's so damn obvious. How many of us get to go to local universities? Instead we have to pay more money to go to a public uni. Nevermind that. At least the education system is better there.
it pains me to see some people who would rather ignore all the signs. When it's so obvious that this country is going to the dumps. Why can't we turn things around?
it pains me to see that we fight each other. Malays. Chinese. Indians. We hurl racist comments at each other.. when the problem is not with US. It's with the ones who are controlling this beautiful country i live in.

it also pains me to see how other countries are being run. How the Chinese are being prejudiced.
Look at Indonesia:- 1. The Men dont work at the fields. Women do. Men just sit at the roadside; to smoke and drink. 2. Then they complain that the government isn't helping them enough. That they're siding the Chinese. (Note that the chinese are already being slaughtered there. We're hardy ppl. We work hard. We are rich and we became rich by our two hands). 4. Government 'tries' to console them. Doesn't work. 5. The people burn down churches and temples and kills the Chinese.

It pains me that no matter how much we say about these things.. nothing can be done. Our opinions are worth NOTHING. Chinese, Malay and Indians alike.

It pains me to see that there seems to be only one solution to this problem... By migrating.
Don't misunderstand me.
i love my country. i love the weather (Not the mossies tho). i love the food (GLORIOUS GLORIOUS FOOD). and i actually like the people here.
But i don't want my kids to be raised in this system. i don't want them to learn that to be Chinese is to be pushed over and not be given benefits; even if they're born here. i want them to learn equality. to be respected for what they do and what they can do.

It pains me that the only solution.. is by escaping it. that there really is no solution.

Malaysians having amnesia.

2006-10-14T15:39:00.000+08:00

something to ponder over:

http://blog.limkitsiang.com/?p=732

sigh.

To my friends who have not yet registered, please register yourself at the nearest post office.

Hope you guys know who you're voting for.
----------------------------------------------------

i've slowed down on clubbing lately. Not on drinking though.

Another drinking party tonite!

i'm cooking PORK CHOPS!!!!!

All the 'Chue Pah' you can eat... yumm...

woke up at 8 in the frigging morning today, drove all the way to ss2 market and bought 10 huge pieces of pork chops and it's marinating slowly in the refrigerator as i type this.

*licks lips*

aahhh....

i'll be clubbing at Ruums on the 27th of this month. A friend is spinning with jungle jerry.
This might be the only time i will be clubbing this month.
(Oh wait.. i went to savannh last sat nite)

Haha.. so much for stopping.

=)

psst: jazzercise is working. My ass is TIGHT! *giggles*

2006-10-09T10:03:00.000+08:00

the haze is so not fucking funny, alright?

everytime i get out of office or the house; i get a sorethroat. Immediately.

i'm having a constant headache and my sinus is fucking up again. this is so not funny.

i'm getting an m.c. tomorrow. fuck work.

urgh.

ps: why isn't anybody doing anything about the haze? Bloody shit.

thank you

2006-10-06T10:01:00.000+08:00

to my loved ones.

thanks for the encouragement, and for strength to go through this 'hard time'.

i know you guys think i'm strong enough, that i can weather anything, that if i put my mind to it, i can achieve anything.

thank you for having that much of faith in me.

i know you guys worry for me.

thank you.

he said "Failure is sometimes not an option"
he said "You cannot accept failure. That's why you are so harsh on yourself"

she said "You're d ONLY GIRL i know who can excel at something if she puts her mind to it"

i say... what if. what IF i'm not as strong as you think i am?
what if it's all a facade?
what if i'm actually very very weak?
what if i'm really shit at office politics and ppl trample all over me?
what if i'm right...

i really don't wanna be here when it's all over.

2006-10-05T14:58:00.000+08:00

i need to re-evaluate myself at work.

Maybe this isn't what i'm cut out for.
Maybe this isn't my line.
Maybe i can't write.
Maybe i'm unsuitable in this field.

Maybe; just maybe, i should find nest elsewhere.

Maybe i can't work under people.

Maybe; just maybe, i should quit right here right now.

Nobody's blaming me. But i still can't help but feel that i'm just not cut out for this job.
Maybe i'm just not.... PR-ish enough.

GOD.

OH my Ass!

2006-10-03T11:19:00.000+08:00

the pain!

the ache!

oh my sweet beautiful flabby ass is in PAIN.

on whim, i signed up for Jazzercise classes... and honestly i'm hooked! Just after 1 class!
After 1 streneous hour of Attitude Lifts, Lunges, and Jazz squares, my ass feels like i ran for 2 fucking hours.

and did i mention about my thighs? Whoa baby!
i can't walk properly.

i walk like i've had too much sex last night.
(which i didn't, of course.)

But the sweet pain of workout strain........

An exerpt from the jazzercise website:
Jazzercise is Innovative!
**Jazzercise continually varies choreography and music to bring a sense of new energy to each class.
**Jazzercise combines jazz dance, resistance training, Pilates, yoga, kickboxing and more to create a truly effective workout

For those who wish to lose a few pounds, here's the website:
http://www.jazzercise.com/

Sweet Lord. The pain.

ah kheong

2006-10-02T14:36:00.000+08:00

ARGH

I'M WRITING THIS IN CAPS BECAUSE I'M DISGUSTED!

AH KHEONG THE COCKROACH DECIDED TO POP UP AGAIN TODAY. AND IT'S BIGGER THAN THAT DAY.

SHIT.

AH KHEONG GREW BY 0.3-0.4CM!

I'M SO DISGUSTED I CAN DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE

AND NO I AM NOT BEING A DRAMA QUEEN.

IT CRAWLED OVER MY KEYBOARD.

FOR 10 SECONDS.

THEN I DID THE IMPOSSIBLE.

...

I KILLED AH KHEONG.

AS MUCH SENTIMENT I MIGHT HAVE HAD FOR MY TABLE'S RESIDENT COCKROACH... I CAN TAKE IT NO LONGER.

I KILLED AH KHEONG.

I'M SO DISGUSTED IT CRAWLED ALL OVER MY KEYBOARD LEAVING 1,000,000,000 UNKNOWN BACTERIA ON IT THAT I HAD TO DO IT.

I JUST HAD TO.

AH KHEONG IS DEAD.

AND I WIPED THIS KEYBOARD WITH SOAP. TWICE. YET I CANT HELP BUT STILL FEEL AH KHEONG'S PRESENCE ON MY KEYBOARD.

LET US ALL BOW OUR HEAD TO RESPECT THE DEPARTED. (JUST IN CASE HE WANTS TO COME BACK IN ANGER. I'LL BE FACING 10,000 DESCENDANTS OF AH KHEONGS. BETTER SHOW SOME RESPECT)

****i mean, after all, Ah Kheong IS the first cockroach i've killed****

just a lil bit of everything

2006-10-02T12:13:00.000+08:00

apparently i have a knack of commenting on everything and anything.

if i hit my toe, i start scolding the damn ppl who put stuff deliberately all around the floor.

if i get stuck in the jam, i start cursing the ppl who rushes home from work everyday early(pot calling kettle black).

if i get see someone wearing something that is close to atrocity, i start saying bitchy things like "Wah her house no mirror wan ah?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

ok, bitchy, i know.

Here are the things that i LOVE to comment most on:

WOMEN

i had to 'cap' it. i mean, how can we not comment on women? Every single girl, woman, aunty, grandmother will comment. Wah, her dress so slutty; her hair so ugly; her shoes! omg, her shoes!; wah damn nice her complexion. wat she eat ah?; to f**king bitch. hope you rot in hell in that fake smile pose.

The above mentioned are general comments by women towards general stuff.

i just like to comment on a few things, which are:-

a. Makeup - we took a short road trip to pd last weekend, hoping to catch a good rave there for once (i wasn't disappointed) Just so u know, girls have a hard time keeping themselves happy.

For one, during road trips, we get dehydrated. But we can't drink as much water as we'd like, if not we have to pee. and we are SO NOT going to pee in dirty public toilets dotted along the highway. And NO, we're not gonna pee in the bushes as well.

So i tend to stay away from makeup while i'm travelling, and drink moderate amounts of water. i thought i looked pretty fine (my complexion is still rosy, and my under eye circles are alright) to travel to pd.

Imagine my horror when i got to the lobby. Tonnes (and i mean, tonnes) of girls had like one inch of make up already. Wah, talk to me about travelling in style. How do they do it? Put so much make up during the two hour trip. whoosh. talk to me about versatility.

My definition of pretty is a girl who takes care of herself; her body, her face, her figure. and she has to be comfortable in her own skin. What i don't understand are girls who come to the BEACH with one inch of makeup. If you sweat, how? If your makeup runs, how? You can't swim. You can't run on the sand. You can't play ping pong. You can't jetski.

Then what's the point of going to the beach? Sit down there look pretty ah?

......

if there's one thing i like to comment on; are women with too much makeup and strut around thinking they don't have enough to begin with. urgh.

2. Clothes - oklah, at least the girls in the trip wore beachwear. so that was ok. i just wore jeans and a t shirt during the trip and changed to a short skirt and spaghetti to wile the rest of the afternoon away. at night i wore a balinese long pants (fantastic-looking, comfortable, cooling cotton pants; long enough to ward off mossie bites) and a white tube with a nice decent looking mother of pearl statement necklace. minimal make up. we are on the beach after all, no?

But what i don't get are girls who go anywhere or everywhere else thinking they're going to a BALL. or a PARTY.

One utama got club wan ah? i didn't know wor. Even if they do have one, wah, they open at 2pm wan meh?

One issue is overdressing.

The other, are women who don't dress according to their body shape. Come on, i'm not exactly fit nor am i thin. But i'm happy and comfortable with my body, and dress according to the occassion, according to my body size. Meaning: NO mini skirts, NO platform shoes, NO tiny tops that shows off my tummy.

Take a walk to OneUtama at noon, during the weekend. You'll know what i mean when i say some women don't dress according to their body size.

DRIVING IN MALAYSIA (i had to cap this too)

Malaysian drivers - MY GOD.

They stop in the yellow box.
They don't let you go. Even if you signal already.
Some races just drive worse than the others (and no, i'm not going to say anything here)
They honk at you for no reason.
And the jam. OH MY GOD. The jam.

Can someone please tell me why is it always jammed up in the middle of federal highway? And after a fair bit of jamming your brake, the jam miraculously clears up. Why?

Is there some unwritten rule in Malaysia that says "we have to jam break in the middle of the highway, just to piss some un-Malaysian drivers off"?

------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, i'm over-opinionated.
yeah, i'm very bitchy.
Shoot me.

2006-09-29T19:00:00.000+08:00

wrote a particularly emo post here on friday evening.

in a way i'm glad that something went wrong while i published it, hence it wasnt posted. sometimes the emotions we feel tend to create more negative consequences.

---------------------------------------------------------

It was a good rave at pd yesterday, tho the crowd were a bit.... erm....

*bleh*

and the grass was a bit too muddy.

Pics laterz!

=)

let's do a Lea!

2006-09-29T09:09:00.000+08:00

i was at Loft @ Zouk last nite with Mattie, Chee Hooi and Wei Jun (is that how u spell his name? o.O).. so anyway, this dj van, whoop! he plays the best breaks EVER. Seriously.

i've never seen matt that high over music >.<

wiki wiki~!

Come let's all do a lea!
ok fine, confession: i did a Lea last nite. Chee Hooi parked his car, we all got down and they took the short cut out to the mainroad a.k.a. walking down a short but rather steep slope.

Luc: How to walk?!

*pauses*

Luc: Shit i can't believe i said that (Matt was staring by now) err... i walk by putting the left leg in front of the right leg, then the right leg in front of the left leg and so on.. *blushes*

omg.

and i confused Perodua with Proton.

*slaps forehead*

i'm a closet blonde. Ssshhhh.
*don't tell anyone*

Ripped this off Betty's blog:-

A - Age: twenty-freaking-four. You ppl out there, don't snigger! You're old too!
B - Band listening to right now: Erm, it's quiet in the office. But i listen to.... Lisa Loeb.
C - Career: I write stories. For newspapers and magazines.. =)
D - Drink or smoke: Drink twice a week, smoke on weekends ONLY (Fine, i'll define weekends: Monday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday)
E - Easiest person/s to talk to: Kheong, Matt, Lea
F - Favorite song/s at the moment: How by Lisa Loeb, Kiss Goodbye by Wang Li Hom, Some stupid chinese song by Justin, and Freshmen by Verve Pipe.
G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: Er, aren't they made from the same shite anyway? What's the difference? ok, i know i'm cynical, but STILL? O.O
J - Junk foods you like: hardly take em.
L - Longest car ride ever: From here to Haadyai. 13 hours. Try sitting in a BUS for 13 fucking hours. omg, my ass was FLAT by the time i got out. i was limping like a duck.
M - My favorite Sport/s: i don't do any sports. i watch. intelligent ppl sit down and observe.. *nods head sagely*
N - Number of relationships you've had: O.O
O - One wish you have: To migrate to aussie. Aussie Aussie Aussie! =)
P - Phobias: Cockroaches
Q - Favorite Quote: a Latin quote - 'Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur' which translates to "We choose to love, we do not choose to cease loving" by Syrus
R - Reason to smile: you, family, friends.
S - Song: As stated above.
T- Time you woke up: 8.00am
U - Unknown fact about you: I'm actually nearly as blonde as Lea. i just hide it well. Ssshhh.
V - Vegetable/fruit you hate: hhmmm......... erm.......... i eat everything.
W - Worst habit: working Smart. No, really, it's a really bad habit. If i know i can wite this story in 2 hours, but i tell my boss i'll do it by 5. So i write finish in two hours, except the closing paragraph, then go and lepak for 2-3 hours. hehe. So when my boss checks on me, i said i'm already doing the closing. hahahaa.... Evil bitch i am.
X - X-rays you've had: 1 yr ago.
Y- Yummy food/s: Jap, Thai, nothing sweet
Z- Zodiac sign: i'm a soppy cancerian baby

ok, i'm happy.

Back to "work"!! *giggles*

2006-09-27T10:59:00.000+08:00

ripped this off a forwarded email:-

Guide To Find Your Type of Girl Around Town
Depends on what kind of chicks u r looking for:

1) Teenage chicks with lots of skin to bare who prefer to dance the whole night and would most likely have a Mat Motor boyfriend: Shadows (Bangsar)

2) Classier chicks with velvet gowns and can dance, not any dance, but Salsa : Q-Ba at Westin Hotel (Bintang Walk)

3) International school chicks (white chicks/jap-chicks/exotic looking chicks/rich chicks) who love to drink : Mezza (formerly T-Club Bangsar)

4) Working chicks who are looking for love : Bar Flam (Bangsar)

5) 'God-fearing' chicks who play carrom from Bangsar Gospel Centre : Coffee Bean / Star Bucks i.e. any coffee place in town whose average price is around RM10 for a cuppa (this weeds out all the coffee shops in Lucky Gardens)

6) Hard-core biker chicks or the opposite.. Tudung chicks : mamak stalls in front of the food court previously known as Jolly Green Giant (Bangsar)

7) Chicks who are dating guys who are already married / guys who wanna be girls : Red Chamber (Bangsar)

8) Malaysian girls who speak with a British/American/Aussie/Rojak accent who think they are BBC/BBI/BBM(u know wat I mean) and are looking for a boyfriend who has blonde hair and drinks 'Snake Bite Black': Finnegans (Bangsar)

9) Malaysian girls who speak with a British/American/Aussie/Rojak accent who think they are BBC/BBI/BBM who have already found a boyfriend from Finnegans : Telawi Street Bistro (Bangsar)

10) Girls who look like boys who like girls who look like girls: Seasons Pool Club (Bangsar)

11) Paula Malai Ali type of chicks: The Social (Bangsar)

12) White chicks with white boyfriends/husbands (who also have tan-skinned girlfriends from Beach Club/Thai Bar etc.) : La Bodega (Bangsar)

13) Chicks that have rich boyfriends and like expensive red wines: Grappa / Wine Bar Heritage Row

14) Chicks that have poor boyfriends and want a taste of western food : McDonald's / Burger King

15) Party chicks that think they're so happening they don't mind sweating in a firetrap for 4 hours: Poppy

16) Hip-hop chickas who know someone who knows someone who's having a pissup/birthday party and they can avoid cover charge: Nouvo / Sangria

17) Pill-popping chicks and they're drug-induced boyfriends: Atmosphere / Carlos

18) Pill-popping chicks who don't want to go out with "playaz" but suddenly find themselves trying to grab the attention of the "playaz": Bliss (Sadly closed down dammit)

19) Feng Tau chicks : not sure but we think its the old Emporium or K Club

20) Capati chicks who are already betrothed to some distant cousin on their father's orders : Dhol, Bangsar

21) Beautiful popping chicks with very little clothing & supposedly gangsters boyfriends : TBR KL

22) Beautiful model chicks or wannabes with cheeky friends in tow who can hold their drinks : Velvet

LoL! Which one are you?

i hate going down all the way to kl nowadays, so i tend to hang out in:-
**Laundry
**SS

Anyone care to add in a profile for chicks who hang out at Laundry? =)

icky green stuff..

2006-09-25T16:10:00.000+08:00

a conversation:

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
u need to cleanse ur body ler

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
i think a lot of toxin

LovaBLe-nEuroTic (i will never ever mix beer, tequila & vodka ever again. urgh) **Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur** says:
hahaha could be
after this week k, after ParTee in peedee first

LovaBLe-nEuroTic (i will never ever mix beer, tequila & vodka ever again. urgh) **Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur** says:
start detoxing

LovaBLe-nEuroTic (i will never ever mix beer, tequila & vodka ever again. urgh) **Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur** says:
i'll go to curve
take some of that weed water

LovaBLe-nEuroTic (i will never ever mix beer, tequila & vodka ever again. urgh) **Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur** says:
double shot or something

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
-_-"

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
wheat grass babes

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
not weed

o.O same thing, same thing *waves hand like a bimbo*

people!!

2006-09-25T11:47:00.000+08:00

i have a lump at the base of my head, near the neck.

about 1-2 cm in diameter.

it hurts.

shit.

should i see a specialist?

ps: NO, i didn't hit my head. NO, it's not a mozzie bite. NO, it's not due to excessive alcohol.

pussy

2006-09-25T10:48:00.000+08:00

i am.

A FUCKING HUGE COCKROACH (1cm in length) crawled across my table and i screamed! it crawled under my phone, and then it completely disappeared! Vanished! without a trace.

ARGH

now i'm so scared to even put my hands down on my table

in case it comes up again.

not easy to type with my hands nicely hovering over my keyboard at all times ok. Not funny! i have a 4 page feature to write by today. ARGH

Why, God, why?

Are You punishing me because i eat on my table? And occassionally leave crumbs on it? But You know i hate cockroaches... and i don't even touch them. So why punish meeeeee? i don't harm them.. i RUN AWAY from them

i'm so scared of cockroaches i'd rather die than touch them.

ARGH

*yes i am paranoid*

tried finding the name of that phobia, but apparently it's still in debate. Some call it blattodephobia. Hhmm..

i found this one highly amusing!

Parthenophobia- Fear of virgins or young girls

imagine being afraid of virgins! haahahaaaaaa

-----------------------------------------------------------------

and i also am a pussy when it comes to drinking.

on Fri we went to Laundry (nick, candice, me, ivor, kheong, abel, and mich) and we had beer and tequila.

decided it wasn't enough.

went to Nick's house and drank more tequila and vodka.

and we had so much fun drinking we completely ignored kheong, who sat throughout our alcohol bingeing for 6 hours! haha. We were so high, we were even amused with this stupid roulette Nick bought from Nilai.

we just kept on laughing. and we drank some more and laughed again. haha.

Abel spinning!

i dare say i will never ever ever mix the three above again. Felt so hungover i could just keel over and DIE.

i never used to have hangovers. Perhaps it was because i was young. Shit. i used to drink like, 20 shots and still end up with no hangover.

i'm really not that much older. Perhaps all the years of drinking since i was 13 is taking its toll now. so much for quitting *sheepish smile*

i despise counting

2006-09-22T09:47:00.000+08:00

... my pennies.

***warning: this is an angry angsty post about my sad self. Just allow me this moment of release***

i mean, i hate it. i really really hate it.

Ever since i started working i've been counting
*this month must save RM1000 (ended up saving onli RM700)
*this month cannot buy clothes (ended up buying RM150 worth of shoes)
*this month i need to cut down on drinks.. spend less on alcohol! (ended up spending RM150 on liquor)
*this month cutting down on petrol.. must drive economically! Don't accelerate so much! (ended up going to and fro KL 3 times a week to accommodate some fucker)
*this month must budget spending to RM100 a week oK! (NO o.k.... K.O. instead)

tiu.

i mean... where has all the joy in life gone? Instead, i count my pennies, then realizing how moody i've gotten to trying to save more, ended up spending MORE instead.

i hate it.

i hate the fact that all those rich boys get to spend as much as they want.
i hate the fact that all those rich girls get to buy Gucci's, and Prada's and LV's.
i hate the fact that i'm looking forward to payday so desperately.
i hate the fact that i want to save.
i hate the fact that i want to have a better life ahead..
i hate the fact that i'm planning, and joining this really good savings scheme that will give me LOADS of rewards when i'm retired.... but everyone's just... living for the moment.

they don't need to save or anything.
why should i?

.....
Because i want to... argh, i don't even know what the fuck this post's about in the first place.

shit.

it started because...

i'm not supposed to touch my savings. but i did. took out RM50 last nite... cause i onli had RM2 left in my wallet.. so aiyah, oklah, this will last me till Tuesday... (weekend's on kheong) then i just save more lar when my pay comes out on Monday.

i didnt realize that i put it in my BAG not my wallet. when i reached work this morning.. i thought i had RM52 so i went to buy breakfast for RM1.50.. fuck looked inside, ccb onli Rm2.

TIU LOR.

i had to pay mar, take food adey. tiuuuuuu

now i hv no more cash in my wallet.

Well 50 cents count, no? Still, i have nearly nothing in my wallet.
Lunch is on office today, but i hv to pay RM2 for the toll later..... howwwww?

and me, being the cheap bitch that i am, refuse to go and take marnee fm my savings again. No more cash in my office account... *sob sob*

i hate being so cheap.
i never used to be so cheap (well that was before i started planning for my retirement)

good rewards at the end of the rainbow? >.<
i really hope so

*faint smile*

setting it straight

2006-09-20T10:38:00.000+08:00

My name is LUCINDA.

Say it out loud now.

LOO-SIN-DEH (NOT loo-sin-DAR)

Ok, let's do this again.. Loo-Sin-Deh.

That's right

*beams*

My boss, bless his kind soul, is eighty three years old. He's the sweetest boss ever, hardly correcting me and giving me a chance now and then to prove myself.

He has though, one irritating habit: he calls me LuCianDA.

really.

Loo-Cee-Ann-DAR.

i mean, hallo. i'm on your paylist.. you see my name on my reports, on my feature stories, on my press releases... and it's just plain Lucinda. Not LuCianDa.

So so wrong. My colleagues will just laugh and leave me feeling indignified whenever he calls me to his room.

*shakes head*

Then, my sweet colleague Lucia brightened up my day!

Lucia: Lucifer (oh shit!) i meant Lucinda.... *giggles*
Luc: Waaat..
Lucia: You know ah, on TV3 snd TV2 at 5-7pm on Sundays there's this coffee commercial. The coffee is called Lusianda Coffee with Tongkat Ali and that women's herb *wink wink*
Luc: (thinks: who the fuck watches tv3 and tv2 nowadays? Dude!) huh? U kidding? Crap. My name defiled yet again..
Lucia: *bursts out laughing*

....

mch. i mean, how more insulting can it be? The coffee promotes healthy reproductive systems.

My name very farnee ah now? it's Lucinda. Not LuCianDar or Lusianda. Nor is it Lucifer, as some people so rightly put it.

Dammit!!!

not funny. Shut up.

sweet Lord above...

2006-09-19T09:16:00.000+08:00

At 11pm (on a Monday night, no less):

*8 shots of vodka Kickapoo consumed (Yes KickapoO! we were.. experimenting)
*2 ciggies smoked (Come on, what's drinking without smoking eh?)
*1 Large Fries shared (What's alcohol without food afterwards?)

Yeah, well folks.. there goes my 'promise of celibacy'

Crap.

i'm so bad at keeping resolutions

i shouldn't even bother making 'em in the first place

***hangs head in shame***

of fog and water

2006-09-18T16:41:00.000+08:00

should i quit smoking and drinking?

Been thinking about it for a while. I've been drinking at least twice a week for the past few months. This coming from a girl who literally stopped clubbing for 1.5 years.

i drank SO fucking much on my birthday (21st, 22nd, 23rd and 24th) that i got alcohol poisoning. No, i don't think it was food poisoning, the symptoms were all wrong.

So i was just wondering, should i quit? i mean, my babes Matt wants to quit too! So should i?

i'm already halfway there with putting out the cigarette butt for good.

Feedback!

***Fark, i'm already wishing i'm not quitting***

Snake-ing is a gift

2006-09-15T15:55:00.000+08:00

*naughty giggle*

my boss isn't around much today.. i really don't know why and i couldn't really care less.. as long as i get my 5 hours of peace in office, i'm overjoyed! =)

....................................................................................................

People who are close to me know that with me, it's always safer to book an appointment with me first if they wanna meet up. Alvin the Chipmunk have been brushed off one too many times, and he got a bit irked.

It's simple.

In my orderly pre-organized world, i make plans a week ahead or further. Weekends especially. i can't be bothered to go anywhere else on a weekday besides Tmn Desa, Dota, Work and Boy, so there isn't much time left anyway if you wanted to slot in (DAMN, that sounded wrong!).

And after a while, the more you get to know me.. once i make a promise to meet you; rain or shine i'll be there. Regardless of whether i have a car, no car, no legs or what not, i'll be there. i'll push away other people just to make time for you. When i promise to spend time with you, it's only you. No one gets a slot. i like to make people feel like there's no one else on earth i'd rather be with at that moment.

So when you fuck up, and you tell me that you're fong-ing me. Whoa bay-bee. i can get as angry as a bitch (which isn't hard, cause i'm a big bitch 90% of the time already).

Maybe it seems weird to many people out there who never plan further than 1 day (Lea and Simon) and find it really hard to even make an appointment and keep to it. No offence babe =) i still love you.

This weekend's (Leisure activities only) plans:-

Fri
1930 - Dinner with Alvin @ State (Braised duck rice)
2100 - Pool at Asia Cafe with Alvin & his Satria gang
2230 - Carlsberg Party @ Cafe Citron
0200 - Stumble home drunk, vomit, and sleep.

Sat
1930 - Dinner with Kheong
2100 - Meet up with Info Crew @ Tmn Desa
2230 - Rave @ KL Tower with Max.

Sun
1500 - Dota (GOD! Let me play 4 games, please!!)
1900 - Dinner with Kheong and family
2100 - Cuddle up in bed with a healthy book

for the better?

2006-09-15T11:44:00.000+08:00

i know about all the 'love' shit. Of brotherhood and and friendship. Of (as quoted by sunil) 'World Peace'

Seriously. Does it ever bother us that the world isn't all happily holding hands (while praying 'Our Father'?) Does it ever bother us that not all of us can see eye to eye and actually smile?

Racism
Religion extremists
... and Oil

These are just three of the big pile of shit that's going on around now. We fight for Oil. We hate another for the colour of his/her skin. We despise other 'confining' religions.

The above doesn't bother me one bit. Why cry for the world when i don't even wanna play a big part in it? i just wanna settle down, have my own business, maintain my links of friendship, play pool, drink, smoke (trying to quit), and eat all the PORK in RibLee's Hartamas. i don't care.

i have uber-cool muslim friends, nearly-fanatical protestant friends, holy buddhist friends, and the 'don't give two shits about anything and everything' friends. and i like them.

The rest of the world can be as racist as they are, scream obscenities at other religions and kill each other over oil. i'm just living my life here.

However.. if any (and i mean any) arseholes, bastards and the likes, touch ONE hair of my friends (based on their race or religion) then they will have to face my wrath. i'm not pretty when i get angry.

To end the note.. here's a pretty song i like from Indigo Girls, called Deconstruction. Pretty much sums up the whole 'we should love each other' thing.

Deconstruction - Indigo Girls
We talked up all night and came to no conclusion
We started a fight that ended in silent confusion
And as we sat stuck, we could hear the trash truck
Making its way through the neighborhood
Picking up the thrown out, different from house to house
We get to decide what we think is no good

We're sculpted from youth, the chipping away makes me weary
And as for the truth it seems like we just pick a theory
It's the one that justifies our daily lives
And backs us with quiver and arrows
To protect openings cause when the warring begins
How quickly the wide open narrows

Into the smallness of our deconstruction of love
We thought it was changing, but it never was
It's just the same as it ever was

A family of foxes came to my yard and dug in
I looked in a book to see what this could possibly mean
Cause there is fate in the breeze and signs in the trees
And possible tragic events

When forces collide, with the damage strewn wide
And holes blasted straight through the fence
The sky starts to crash the rain on the roof starts to drumming
And laid out like cash you tick on my list of shortcomings

The show starts to close, I know how this goes
The plot's a predictable showing
And though it seems grand we're just one speck of sand
And back to the hourglass we're going

Back to the smallness of our deconstruction of love
We thought it was changing, but it never was
Our deconstruction of love...

At the end of the day, we decide what affects us, and what motivates our heart. i'm not going to allow other people's hatred to be my undoing. i just wanna live my life. the way i like it to be.. =)

postcript: Dammit, isn't that DAMNN new receptionist from BluInc ever going to pick up the DAMN phone? Dammit!

a quickie~!

2006-09-14T12:49:00.000+08:00

this happened to Lea (the famous Blonde)... i mean, she sure looks like Chinese to me. But she's one of the blondest person i've ever met my entire life; including myself (yes i have Blonde moments too ok. i just.... don't blog about it *giggles*)

Ladies and Gentlemen, i present to you... Leanne!:

You know what happened to me? I got my new scan card this afternoon, so after lunch I let myself into the building by scanning…….
.
.
.
THE INTERCOM.

After 3 tries I asked myself, “ehhh crapp why isn’t it going TEEETT and opening the door???”
.
.
.
Then I looked 5 metres below the intercom, and saw the scaning thingie.

Omg laaaaa

LIMAU!!! (It's LMAO, but adapted to malaysian version, thanks to Chee Hooi andMatt)

i really don't know how to do that whole linking shite (not very technologically savvy), so you'll just have to go to www.sushu.blogspot.com

this one is for you

2006-09-14T12:26:00.000+08:00

you know, when i write about you sometimes.. nobody knows it's dedicated to the one i love. Sometimes they get confused as i never name names here (ok fine, no one really knows). it's just unfair to defame someone or to complain or to bitch on my blog. i get angry; occassionaly, upset; often, sad; every other day.. but i hv never mentioned names.

i prefer this type of anonymity.

at least no one gets hurt. directly.

This is just another one of those posts. Where i'm directing to you, again, my dear friend.

i'm getting really weary of all your promises.

*you promised one thing, yet you fail to fulfill it.
*then you promise another thing to cover yourself on the first failed promise, and end up disappointing everybody
*you said one thing, but what actually happened was the opposite.
*you backstabbed him, but when i spoke to the said person, it never happened!
*you did this to yourself; he did not do this to you.
*don't you realize when the sun sets, that you're at the losing end?
*have you ever thought of changing? Of being true to yourself?
*of being honest just one bit.

one bit. that's all.

i wished you could've told me yourself, could you not? of course no harm was caused. of course it wasn't meant to hurt me. or anyone else for that matter. of course nothing much happened at all as a consequence of your actions.

but still...

you don't have to lie to me. just to keep up with your image. my image. i'm the last person you have to pretend to, dear.

i'm not calling you pretentious, because it's not you.

after all this, i love you still. more than i ever should, considering the factors involved. yet i am still here.

if you should ever need a hand, i'm yours to hold.
if you should ever need a shoulder to cry on, i'm yours too.
if you should ever need someone to talk to, i'm there in a heartbeat.
if you need someone to laugh with, i will squel with happiness.
if you need someone to laugh at, i'll laugh at myself along with you.

have i not proved myself over the years how much i love you? sigh.

i'm not angry, never angry at you.

i won't do anything drastic. it's not worth throwing this away over issues like that.
But i sure hope something good comes out of this.

*crossing fingers*

2006-09-13T14:31:00.000+08:00

i'm proud to say that i'm getting over it.

i am.

with my head held up high; you can very well go fuck yourself. And your 'principles' along with it while you're at it too.

2006-09-12T18:50:00.000+08:00

Normally i'm not this angsty or bitchy and i do not have this whole-rage-thing *waves hand*

But..

FUCK YOU BITCH TO THE DEPTHS OF THE SEVENTH HELL!!!!!!!!!

you can SO NOT call me at 5.40pm (knowing wel enough that i leave office at 6 fucking sharp) and ask me to amend YOUR last minute article that i was forced to write, and add in 17 fucking products!

You can NOT!

even with that limited time that you've thrown in my face, i've written a rather .. nice, peace... one can even call it pretty.

Now that you've butchered that up (not really) and added in seventeen products to my beautiful article, which i've only limited to 9, you've basically turned it into a piece of meat.

It's no longer art.

It's no longer literature.

Just a fucking piece of meat, you fucking aunty, with a brain the size of a fucking pea!!!!!

It read so smoothly from paragraph to paragraph, now it's plain Ugly. Choppy. Uneven. So incorrigibly pathetic.

urgh, i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate.

*phew*

Hate.

the familiarity is shocking

2006-09-12T16:17:00.000+08:00

i bumped into an old flame the other day, he took me in his arms, gave me a big squeeze of a hug, and.. it didn't feel wrong.

in fact, it felt nice.

=)

and as shameful (to a lot of ppl out there, and even to kheong) as it sounds, hell, i miss that.

i miss the familiarity. not the person. (and no, i do not love him, end of story, dammit)

Like, the way he used to hold my hand, or the way he used to talk to me. The way he used to make me melt just by holding me close. How proud i used to feel walking by his side (Well, maybe i was a little girl, you know). How romantic it felt when he smelled my hair and kissed it.

i miss all that.

i miss being young.

Crap, i'm only twenty-fucking-four and i feel so damn old.

Fking b*h.

2006-09-11T16:19:00.000+08:00

i hope you rot!

My client, ms yc from t-fucking-a.. threw me a deadline ... erm... just about.. 10 minutes ago.

i have to write a Feature Story, by noon tomorrow.

it's 4 in the fucking pee-Mmmm now.

How the fuck does she expect me to write that fast? it'll b unoriginal, boring even, to the point of kiling oneself to read the damn article.

and MY article is going to get published in The Star Supplement. WTF.

Fucking bitch.

On top of that, i have to finish yet ANOTHER story, set by that bitch by Wednesday morning.

Yipeee doooo dah.

Lucky me.

Well, at least my boss sticks up for me (at the least, really, at the very least...) here's what she said to our dear yc:

2. Supplement – to the media – would have preferred more notice to do a better job. But we’ll see what we can do with less than 24 hours notice. Miracles do happen.

as much as a christian (Out-Standing christian at that. Get it? Out(side) Standing) i am, i am still cursing and bitching as much as my mouth and heart can possibly handle.

%^#@!

Up yours, bitch

2006-09-08T14:11:00.000+08:00

You know what? i'm getting too weary of all this shit.

Why are you doing this to me? For what good damn reason? Can you please fucking tell me?

Was i not there for you whenever you wanted me to? Was i not defending you when you needed me to? did i not give you the best advise i could possibly give a friend, a damn good friend at that? Have i not given enough? Did i not shoulder at least half of your fucking burden (of not having enough money, of not having a good job, of not doing a good resume?)

What the fuck was i thinking?

When i amended your damn resume, word for fucking word. When i drove all the way down to where you boys would be, because you didn't have a car. When i disseminated out your resume to possible employers that i think would suit your character.

i'm not asking for much.

Heck, i've never asked for anything in return.

i wanted to do this, because i thought you'd be worth it. that my care and love for you as a friend would amount to something good in the end.. something that can withstand the test of time.

All you've done so far, is to make me feel used. You say you respect me. You say you treat me as a true friend. You say that i deserve better treatment from people around me.

Yet you sometimes, are the one causing this irritation of pain. Like a frigging thorn stuck in my finger. You hurt me. You did, you know.

you didn't notice.

But you did. And i cannot believe i fell for it.

Now when i've left you, and stopped caring as much as i did;
you're coming back.

Didn't you realize i stopped talking? Didn't you realize that everytime you say something challenging, i stopped arguing back? Didn't you realize that i was really no longer there with you, for you?

.... didn't you see that i was pulling away from you?

i've taken care of you so much.
i've given you more than you deserve to receive.

and yet you disregarded it.

disregarded me.

i can take this from other ppl who claim to be friends with me..
but not from you.

not you.

i swear...

2006-09-07T09:16:00.000+08:00

- i'm the Stuuuuupidest bitch ever.
- i can't drink as much as i used to be able to.
- i'm a softie at heart.
- i get influenced easily
- i will NEVER drink on a weekday nite again (more over on a wednesday night; mid-week blues)
- i still can't think straight (and i have a meeting later at 2)
- i'm not going to drink with Deloitte people again
- The Curve is overrated; so is Laundry
- i can still taste alcohol in my mouth and smell it in my breath

Good GOD

NO. MORE. ALCOHOL. on a weekday night

no more

*whimper*

2006-09-04T17:41:00.000+08:00

you really always knew, i just wanna be with you

do you really have to let it linger?

of friendship and love

2006-09-04T12:04:00.000+08:00

gone were the days where i could cling on to my innocent childhood. Gone also were the times i could learn to listen to your heart, understand what you're going through and hold your hand. gone were the hours spent talking on the phone. gone were the memories of me sitting in your car, watching you from an outsider's view. gone were the tears i've shed for wanting to be by your side, through thick and thin. Gone also were the moments when i could feel your presence by my side through the sheer voice i hear over the phone; of you laughing.

it's all gone.

i don't approve of everything you do. come to think of it, i've never really approved anything much, and vice versa.

i love you for my life.
i love you for my tears and heart.

one, i've cried defending.
one, i've cried for loving and caring too much.
one, i've cried with a broken heart.

Verve Pipe - The Freshmen
When I was young I knew everything
She a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken,
Sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's
Vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks's worth of
Valium and slept
And now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his
Head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really
Wept he says

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We've tried to wash our hands of all this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our
Heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to
Slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
And I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

Are we still? ..... i don't feel any younger. and the mistakes we all make will come back and haunt us. and i still love you.

2006-08-28T10:34:00.000+08:00

fact: Lucinda is as confused as ever.

fact: Lucinda is hurting less.

fact: Lucinda is lost when it comes to you.

fact: Lucinda doesn't know what to do. When she pulls back and walks away, you come running back to her. When she wants you, you turn and walk away.

fact: Lucinda wonders whether it will end.

fact: Lucinda has stopped crying.

fact: Lucinda is smiling once in a while now. A frown doesnt marr her face all day long anymore.

fact: Lucinda is extremely thankful to her friends who've been there for her. Matt, Chee Hooi, Ed and Lea hv been a real help. Yes, Lea, even though she only, like, called ONCE =)

fact: Lucinda will write once in a while. But not as often, and not as deep as she used to till she's truly ok. But she'll try.

if only

2006-08-16T10:52:00.000+08:00

*the tears will stop flowing
*my heart would stop beating
*this pain will stop hurting
*all i wanted could come true
*you could trust me
*this hand will be warm
*blood will flow through my veins
*i didnt feel so alone
*losing you meant freedom
*i could stop wishing

***this will be my last post. i can't bring myself to write anymore. the pain is too strong, the wound is too fresh, and too close to heart. Sorry***

2006-08-14T16:14:00.000+08:00

Michael Buble - A Song For You (feat. Chris Botti)

I've been so many places in my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs and I've made some bad rhyme
I've acted out my life in stages with ten thousand people watching
Oh, but we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be,
I've treated you unkindly
But girl can't you see that, there's no one more important to me
So darling can't you please see through me
'cause we're alone now
And I'm singing my song for you

you taught me precious secrets
The truth with holding nothing, you came out in front
When I was hiding,
but now i'm so much better
If my words don't quite come together, please listen to the melody
'Cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there is no space or time,
I love you for my life cause
You are a friend of mine

and when my life is over
remember when we were together
And we were alone and I was singing my song for you

We were alone, and I was singing, yeah singing
We were alone, and I was singing this song for you
Singing my song, I'm singing my song for you

***i never knew i could admit this. But i'm still here waiting at your side, still wanting to sing a song for you. i know i've been bad. i know i've been acting like a complete idiot. i know i fucked up at one point or the other. i know it's 'Bridge under water'. But just so you know. i did this. i did want you to see me that way. i wanted you to see me that way. For some stupid reason even i do not know. i'm still here***

i'm DISGUSTED

2006-08-14T10:28:00.000+08:00

ew.

seriously.

http://www.bukanliberal.org/articles/311

((Sorry yar, i dunno how to do that 'link'y shite. hahahaaaa...))

Sigh.

i really don't know what to say when i read it.

As much as i respect that dude's freedom of speech and opinion, what he said was wrong. Downright to the point of being pathetically stupid.

It's wrong, when you condemn another's religion.
It's wrong, when you force another to convert.

Christianity is man-made? EXCUSE ME. If ours are, so are yours, stupid.

We came from the same branch, did we not? We pray to the same God, am i wrong?

And yet to say that our religion is 'not worth apostatising for'? And to be disgusted with the fact that it is logically impossible for Christianity to be hanging on to our faith that there is such thing as a Holy Trinity? Moreover, to be personally disguted that our GOD came from the loins of a woman? (it's clear here how important they view women as, huh?)

I have so many Muslim friends who are absolute darlings. Who love me as much as i love them. Who treats others with nothing less than respect. It's sad when you see some Muslims have this much hatred in them for Christians. It's just as sad when i see my brothers/sisters condemning other religions as well.

Shouldn't we all just live in peace and stop judging others? i do not claim to be a saint, i do not say i am sin-less.

But how could we look at another friend in the eye and tell them that what they believe in is complete idiocy? Can you?

my inner sanctum

2006-08-11T08:54:00.000+08:00

Remember when you were a child? Remember the hours spent watching or reading fairy tales? Or children's tales meant to teach you life lessons while you were glued to the set/book when you were just a mere 10 yrs old?

They thought you to be polite, loving, caring, determined, kind, and most of all to be honest.

Do you remember The Secret Garden?

A little girl finds a dilapidated garden, and is determined to bring it back to its splendid state. The more she lingers in the garden, the more secrets she uncovers. Not only does she 'refurbish' the garden, she manages to help her cousin to walk again, and re-bond the cousin and his father.

don't you have a secret garden?

i know i do. where no one can touch me. My inner sanctum. Somewhere i feel safe, and protected. A garden where i can keep my deepest darkest secrets, and holds the love and life essence of me.

Somewhere, along the way i locked the door to my garden and lost the key.

In the movie, the little girl brought the garden back to life. I am still waiting for someone to bring me back to life again. Breathe life into me, and help me understand and embrace Love. I need someone in my life to take care of me, and nurture me back to my old self.

This book talks about children and their need for tender loving care if they are to flourish. Perhaps, as it turns out, that these children's tales were meant for US? Adults. How in the absence of love, and care, one can turn to stone. Or like the poor crippled cousin.. we are pushed aside and tucked away in the corner, without love, and eventually will (with time) shrivel up and die.

Like the garden, I wait. Patiently for the day when someone will find the key and open the door. I do not promise that it willbe a pretty sight. I do not promise that it will be beautiful. I can not promise that all sorts of weeds won't be growing in there.

but with your love, light, water and care, I can grow. I will grow into a beautiful spring bloom.

I'm still waiting for you.

Writer's Block

2006-08-10T10:03:00.000+08:00

......

chasing peace, not dragons

2006-08-08T13:16:00.000+08:00

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You were pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

--=i just want to believe=--

2006-08-07T16:53:00.000+08:00

the good....

the bad....

and the ugly....

lolz. i should b hung.

..................................................................................

we talked a moment ago. he mentioned that i've never let him in.

that at some point in my life, i closed the door and threw away the key. did i?

i never realized i've turned into this monster. over the years, all the heartaches and disappointments have turned me into something i hate the most. when did i turn so cold, so inhumane?

yet i wait for the day for someone to come and touch me. someone that has that knowledge and love to help me twist this handle clockwise and open this door. i really want to move on. i really want to heal. i really want to pretend nothing bad has ever happened in my life. that everything, even the worst of shitty experiences and memories, happened for a reason. a good reason, be at that.

i've thought about it. how much love am i willing to give someone? even if i do love someone that much, will i ever change? will i give up my frostiness for the warmth that once echoed around my words and actions?

i listen to sad songs of heartache and pain, and read articles that hurt me the more i read on. yet i continue. willing the pain to course through my heart, mind and body again. hoping, wishing, that if i feel enough pain, i might become more human. testing myself. pushing myself over the limit.

it doesn't matter if it's hurt or pain or heartache or disappointment i feel.

at least i do.

i need that, at least.

...

2006-08-07T16:39:00.000+08:00

omfg

i wanna hang my head in shame and DIE. just fucking drop dead and die.

ah, screw it.

have you ever wondered how sometimes life just loves throwing shite at you at the most 'opportune' moment? For example:

1. You have the worst diarrhea of your life. Your bunghole is burning to point of reaching the temperature on Mars. You see a doctor, get your meds. You think that everything's gonna be ok now, eh? All of a sudden, you drop your mobile. SMashes on the floor. Bounces off the damn stairs. *crash, bang, boom* You're not sure if you're in the right mind to either laugh or cry.
2. You think you met a guy that's great as friends. Probably the rank can be escalated as time goes by. The chemistry and fun is intense. You try to be there for him. You cherish whatever shite and emotional baggage he throws at you. When he just disappears. Walks out on you. And you go "Wat the Fucking Hell just happened?" Baby, you just got run over and that fucking excuse for a dick ran. that's what happened. Fine. You walk out too. Only to find out a frigging day later that you've been embarassed. Embarassed of being not wanted. at all.

You smile. You wave. You say "Hey, i can take this shite. Why don't you throw some more at me? At least i'll can find out the limit of how much shite to take. Come on, give me another blow you pussy".

let's all hope that we're stronger than they make us out to be.

postscript:

2006-08-06T17:40:00.000+08:00

i don't know you anymore.

no, wait.

i don't think i knew you to begin with.

i love walking away. at least my head is held up high.

while you stay here. and all you will hear are the words you fear. the things you love most are nothing more than a passing phase. you will feel the pain you inflicted upon others.

one day you'll know. pain.

2006-08-06T17:16:00.000+08:00

treacherous.
betrayal.
each breath you draw.
brings venomous thoughts to me.

deceit.
lies.
shame.
a human feels more.

but you don't.

your fear.
will turn in.
and the center of your soul.
will bleed.

you claim to feel?

**no matter what i sacrifice, it's still never enough**

drowning

2006-08-02T15:49:00.000+08:00

i remember us building, castles in the air
how could you turn and walk away
and watch our castles turn to sand?

seeing the world pass on by
through this tainted window
everything fades
and flows into the sea
i remember holding you close
as the light turned down low
and heard your heart beat
so close to mine

i wish i could hold the knife closer
allow my blood to flow with my tears
cause all i can feel is you
i used to be the marionette
but all i am now
is a broken doll, too tired to move on.

mirage

2006-08-02T11:17:00.000+08:00

i've always believed that i see only the things i want to see.

No matter how bad things are, i seem to find a reason, an excuse; so that things look better. at least they do in my eyes.

Not until my girlfriends point my flaws out, or splashes freezing *fucking* ice cold water over my head do i realize that.. "Hey! Seriously, what am i doing? Am i even sure at all?"

i always see past the jaded stuff, and make believe that all this shite i'm going through is nothing. Nothing compared to the way he touches me or how he makes me feel. That this is real. but who the fucking-hell knows? What if he isn't? What if it's just a facade that he shows? What if it's just the representation he has already drawn in my mind? And i'm just stupid enough to follow and listen?

Why do i continue to paint pretty pictures of everything, when, actually, things just look like a barren-fucking-wasteland of dashed hopes?

Does it even matter?

At the end of the day, the point is; what the fucking hell matters most?

U SURE OR NOT?!

2006-08-02T09:26:00.000+08:00

mahai

i stumbled upon this stuuuuuuupid stupid stuuuuuupid questionnaire, hoping that my true sign is other than cancer. Answered all the questions, and thought "Hey! Maybe i ain't a typical Cancerian after all eh? :D"

And then... mahaiiiiii.....

Your True Sign is Cancer

Cozy
Moody
Romantic
Traditional
Ultra-Sensitive
Unable to Let Go
The Most Loving Ever
Intuitive and Imaginative

What's Your True Sign?

....

Rendered momentarily speechless.

Proves that no matter how far i try to run, i can never outrun my fate. wtf. mahai

However, on another note.. since i'm on a roll...

You Are Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"We saved the world. I say we have to party."

What Superheroine Are You?

Wahahaa.... omg....... yes i know i'm *this* close to worshipping Buffy. hahaa...

Men See you as Playful

Men want a challenge and you are the perfect playmate
You know how to push men's buttons and attract a wide range of guys
You enjoy living and loving - it's one of your most attractive qualities
Men are often consumed with desire for you, and you love that!

How Do Men See You?

oOOooooOooo.. Ah.. so i am playful eh? Wahahaaa.... naughty, not horny ok. there's a diminutive difference.

And finally....

You Should Be with an Earth Sign!!

Your best match is a Taurus, Virgo, or Capricorn

Why? You like your guys to pamper, wine, and dine you
Not that you're a gold digger, you just like the finer things
An Earth Sign will go all out to woo you - and enjoy doing it
And you'll never find a more trustworthy or loyal match!

What Sign Should You Date?

You have got to be kidding me. Hell NO!! Stupid shite.

Disgruntled lil bitch

2006-08-01T11:32:00.000+08:00

i feel so stuuuupid.

i've really had enough.

i'm out.

2006-07-31T23:11:00.000+08:00

a conversation with..

LovaBLe-nEuroTic @ Prestige **now i know i can stop myself** says:
wat u doin?

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
starring at your msn window

LovaBLe-nEuroTic @ Prestige **now i know i can stop myself** says:
heh. so 'pei' meh

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
thinking of how to answer u

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
in the last 5 mins

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
ya, because i still know its not ok to u

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
i'm sorry babes

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
i just have too much in my head

So do i, babes. So do i. Time will tell where we belong, and where to go from here.

i do not know what wisdom i have in my heart. i do know that if it's meant to be, it will.

if it's not....