Seven wonders of Malaysia

Here I am today, sitting in the office in my new white velvet jacket and beige heels, just wiling the hours away. Been pretty bored the whole day (but obviously punctuated and improved with every email from my girlfriends and boyfriend). Since I have another hour and a half to going home time, I decided to write about the 7 wonders of Malaysia.

First Wonder: Federal Highway jams up for no apparent reason
This Wonder has been impressing many road users like me for many donkey years. For example, one can use the federal highway from Petaling Jaya heading towards Subang Jaya when suddenly, there is a jam. You jam up there for about 10 – 15 mins, and after a while .. miraculously, the jam is gone. So the question remains: Why does it jam up? Could it be a possibility of:
a) Too many cars
b) Too many aunties driving on the road
c) Too many P drivers on the road

Obviously I’m not being a complete bitch and pointing fingers and all, but doesn’t it make you wonder the cause of it all? *ponders* You just get to the end of the jam and you scream "what the fark was the jam all about?"

Second Wonder: Why the road jams up when there is an accident (or not)
Even at the opposite side of the road. Imagine. Driving bumper to bumper on the LDP and wondering where the accident is. You finally reach the accident site and realize it’s at the opposite side of the road. And you wonder: WHY the fark is it jammed up here then? Could it be because MALAYSIANS ARE No.8? Like another miracle, after the accident site, the road instantly clears.

This even applies when a car just stops at the side of the road (at the emergency lane). Cars just stop, and the bladdy Malaysian Drivers just LOOK. And I ask “At what?!?”

Third Wonder: Aunties of Malaysia
Why do they push? Why do they step on you during sales? I once had the misfortune to meet one particularly sad aunty during the Adidas Warehouse Sale. We were politely lining up to get into the store (where they are selling the clothes) when this aunty behind me keeps pushing me. I politely ignored her. Near the entrance, she even snatched away the plastic bag the adidas guy was handing out to the ppl lining up (so they can put the clothes in). NEVERMIND. I took a deep breath and ignored her. So there we were, walking slowly to the door, when my bf opened it, I walked right into the door behind him, and that farking aunty pushed me and stepped on my sandals and I nearly tripped. I turned around, SLAMMED the door, and said out LOUD “Bitch! What the fark is wrong with you? You bloody uneducated woman.” and stalked off. That’s the BEST way to handle a rude aunty.

Needless to say, she looked timidly at me and scampered away. *tee hee*

Fourth Wonder: Malaysians and the ‘worshipping kuai lou’ syndrome
Malaysians. We tend to think that these orang putihs that come to Malaysia for expatriation are better than the Malaysians living here. Why ar? Most importantly, what bugs me is, WHY do we pretend to have a slang when we’re talking to them? If they don’t understand manglish, just speak normal English without the ‘la’ and ‘har’ and ‘wor’ and ‘wan’. Simple, queen’s English. It’s proper and simple enough for these orang putihs to understand, man. Seriously. No need to pretend like you have an American slang.

Fifth wonder: Slangs pop up when Malaysians become famous
I once knew this girl. She used to be in my church and a year younger than me. We used to hang out after church and were always bitching around at the back row. We were pure Malaysians, meaning, manglish was so strong it would have to take three shots of Bacardi 151 for us to start talking proper English (with a huge laugh alongside it). Fast forward to 7 years in the future.

She won one Miss Malaysia Universe or World thingie. And you know what? She’s only been in Singapore for 5 months after her ‘win’ and phwoar! She was speaking to me with the American Slang. Mind you, she studied in Malaysia. I continued to use the manglish to piss her off until SHE finally relented and said “Take care la Lucinda”. Ehem. Right. What happened to your slang darling?

Yet another case of the ‘God’ syndrome. My brother used to date this girl who studied 5 years in New Zealand. Nobody liked her. Because she thought that since she studied five years overseas, she’s better than us lowly Malaysian-government-schooled children. So, anyway… the funny thing is… she spoke to us in an American Slang (pauses) when she was in New Zealand (another long pause). Like, wat the fark? I wasn’t pissed at her. I laughed at her until my sides hurt. The latter worked like a charm. She shut up after that.

Sixth wonder: Everybody complain, Nobody does anything.
This one needs no explanation. It happens ALL the time.. with EVERYTHING. Complain, complain, complain. Sigh.

Seventh wonder: Hey, I know ‘who and who’ wan wei.
Clients. Sigh. Just because you know my CEO or another department’s CEO, does it look like I give two farks about it? If you are the CEO’s sister/aunty/mother ah, if we are fully booked for the seminar, it means we are fully booked. Why don’t you go and stick your head in the toilet bowl and get a good wash ok? Maybe it’ll take all the fuzz out of your brain.

i'm pretty sure all of you out there have had the misfortune to meet such gits in the real world. God bless you all.