LovabLe Neurotic

this space is my own... the world through my eyes

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Life is a real bitch sometimes

Seriously.

Timing can not get any worse than this.

It all started off with me having a tiff with my boss; Medusa..

What happened, to cut it short, i got farked. Real bad, over some huge miscommunication. She thought i didn't do it, but i did. i kept quiet. held my breath. Cut this short story 6 inches shorter, i told my manager and exec director that i will leave right after filing (and i've crossed that period, two days ago).

Now, i couldn't be bothered about this job. I mean, who gives two shit? i can get a job somewhere else, and i'm in no rush to find one. i told myself again and again that i need a break. A longgg one, after working for more than 15hours a day, everyday, since two weeks plus ago. i work on sats too, btw.

Fate, so happens, likes to toy with you on a merry go round, only to make you stay where you didn't intend to stay in the first place. One manager asked me to go to his group, but i'm still under the same bitchy director! So how? Decline lor.

Then i sort of got an offer to change to a completely different thing from the md, but i declined too.

Sigh. Then i spoke to abel in nick's party that day, and boy oh boy... did he give me a wake up call. The story is, if i quit now, and lepak the next 1-2 months off, no employer will want to hire me. it'll be shit hard to find another job.

SHIT.

i wanted to slap myself so hard, and say SHIT. i nearly did, anyway.

So, story is, i'm stuck.

I can't stay in my current group, cause i gave them a notice that i was leaving (like two damn days ago), i can't move to the other manager's group because it's still under the same bitchy director, and it'll be really really stupid to quit now and not get a job for the next 3 months.

Same thoughts reel over my fucking head over and over fucking again.

What's the point of giving me doors to choose from, when i can't make the damn decision? Why bother to tell me this and tell me that, dear life, when i can't do shits about it? What if i do choose what you gave me? What if it's the wrong damn door? i can't just walk back out, slam the door and bloody choose another one. My boy tells me tbat there isn't a right and wrong choice, only the choice that your heart makes. How i can i choose when i don't even know what i want? There IS a right door, and there IS the damn door, and following my heart can only lead me to be damned. What's the damn logic in that?

Fate is so screwed up. You leave a hint here, you leave a hint there.... then another hint right over the opposite site of getting fucked. Why leave me trails when it all leads to ravines, rabbit traps, and a huge ass drain?

i'm so disappointed with myself for not standing up for my damn rights. i am so angry with myself for making the damn decision to work here in the damn place. No regrets? Hell, yes, a whole shit load of regrets.

God.

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