the day i turn 24

Last nite was my babe's birthday party... halfway through, we found out our close friend's uncle is passing away from cancer. shock, sadness and disbelief was only part of what i truly felt.

we left our dinner and headed straight for his house. Him, being the great host that he is, rushed back home (But not before buying loads of snacks and food back for us from the stalls in bangsar).

when he finally reached back home, he looked just the way we left him 4 months ago during chinese new yr, with him passing me a BIG RED angpow.. he smiled and gave us his famous 'dissing'.. but behind the happiness and the laughter, i saw, with great sadness, that he's in pain. i glimpsed at those moments when all of us would burst out laughing from a joke he gave, when he would grip the table or look down silently.

i knew he was hurting. my heart ached with him. i blinked the tears back. tried to smile and laugh again.

When we had to leave (seriously i didn't want to leave, but it was 12.35am, and i have to wake up at 7) he gave me a big tight hug (something which he hasn't given me before).... he whispered:

"Happy birthday Lucinda.. may you have many more wonderful birthdays and years ahead to come. You will only have the best and nothing but the best. Then i'll get the 2nd best.. hehe.. but be brave"

Again tears filled my eyes, but i blinked them back.

Later that night, in the shower, i cried my heart out... because:

- he was in pain
- he still loved all of us enough to encourage us to live, even though he doesn't want to anymore
- that he will be gone

And that could have been the last time i will see him. ever again.

Went to bed, dreamless sleep. Woke up this morning bright and fresh.

still felt upset. Didn't feel there was anything special about today. So what, if it's my birthday? Eventually, with each passing year, someone i love will go away.

God has a funny and uncanny way of showing how to open my heart. At that moment, when i said to myself... "What's the point?"... i saw a van in front of me.

Full of kids.

Smiling
waving
Blowing kisses

At me.

As random as it is, it lifted up my soul. And i truly smiled for the first time in days. As the van pulled away, i smiled and waved at them the last time, and looked up at the morning sky.

The sun was shining down on me, just behind the clouds...

*a moment of silence and peace*

And i knew taht God was looking down on me today. He's saying "cheer up. The sun will always rise again. Each of us has our special time to come or go. Accept it. Move on. you know I love you."

Happy birthday, Me.