LovabLe Neurotic

this space is my own... the world through my eyes

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

should i or should i not?

Don't leave?

Don't leave?


Don't leave?

Don't leave?

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

of truth or lies

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay...
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

This isn't how it's really meant to be...

What hurts the most

Latest song rave:

"This unique song.. Generally gives an idea bout never knowing what might have been. All the 'what if's' balled up together in your heart. Wondering if you made the right choice, listening to your head over your heart. Understanding that at the end, you know it was for the best. But no one denies that it still hurts. Although the other may not feel the same way, and will never realize that you really did try to love him."

What hurts the most - Rascal Flatts

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

Monday, May 29, 2006

... the woman wif a million random thoughts...

1. Are you afraid to feel? If you are, frigging tell me.
2. If i had the choice between what is easy and what is right, i hope i can make the right choice. But the easy choice seems like the best and simplest way out.
3. i need something different. i need to breathe.
4. if you could only tell me how you feel, i'd really appreciate it.
5. A million times over, Lucinda, get a frigging grip on yourself.
6. When is my baby coming back from Sydney?! Woman, how long will you be back?
7. i hate what i'm doing right now. i hate hate hate hate hate.
8. Somewhere over the rainbow by McPhee stuck in my head.
9. i need to go for my therapy.. everyone shout 'reeetail therapyyyyyyy'
10. i wanna go for a holiday. i don't think i can wait another month before Bali.
11. This office is too mother-frigging cold.
12. i wish i had the time to upload pics.. sorry guys.
13. i need a pedicure!
14. hhmm... maybe a manicure too (looking at fingernails)
15. Going to get a pool cue for my birthday.
16. i wish my nose would stop irritating me! i've been having flu for over two weeks. it's pissing me off. *growl*
17. i've been drinking too much lately o.0 *nods head* yes yes i have...
18. i wanna change my car.
19. i wanna buy new shoes (again, yes, again)... *giggles* a woman can never have enough shoes :D
20. i miss you, babez.

all these thoughts are pissing me off. Shut UP, brain! *ggrrr*

Saturday, May 27, 2006

i can't find my ray of sunshine, God.

conflicted. torn.
in a loop, over again.
going in circles.
crying out in vain, it hurts.
i've been touched. by an angel.
chin. finger.
i've been torn apart. by you.
screams. shouts. tears.
this heart. no longer me.
dreams. dashed.
a million shards.
a thousand reasons.
a hundred times over.
two. you. me.
without you. i hurt.
without you. it hurts.
it'll be just me.
this time. reasons.
answers. can't be found.
excuses. abound.
this decision. which.

conflicted. slashed. shreds. heart. mine.
no one. sees.
no one.

where is my ray of sunshine?

Saturday, May 13, 2006


Cinta by Melly Goeslaw feat. Kris Dayanti

Menapak jalan yang menjauh
Tentukan arah yang kumau
Tempatkan aku pada satu peristiwa
Yang membuat hati lara

Di dekat engkau aku telah (penuh)
Sandung matamu penuh tanya
Misteri hidup akankah menghilang
Dan bahagia di akhir cerita

Cinta tegarkan hatiku
Tak mau sesuatu merenggut engkau
Naluriku bergetar tak ingin terulang lagi
Kehilangan cinta hati bagai raga tak bernyawa

Aku junjung petuahmu
Cintai dia yang mencintaiku
Hatinya dulu berlayar kini telah menepi
Bukankah hidup kita akhirnya harus bahagia

Cinta biar saja ada
Yang terjadi biar saja terjadi
Bagaimana pun hidup hanya cerita
Cerita tentang meninggalkan dan yang ditinggalkan


Friday, May 12, 2006

for the heart of you

i'm sorry the day seemed so bright
i'm sorry that the sky decided to cry
i'm sorry that we can't see any rainbows
i'm sorry the smiles faded today

i'm sorry i couldn't learn to write chinese today
i'm sorry you couldn't even comprehend minesweeper
i'm sorry i have a short span of concentration;
thus causing me not to hear what you were actually saying.

i'm sorry we are what we are
i'm sorry i am what i am
i'm sorry that we're made this way

i'm sorry that time couldn't stop for you today.

Friday, May 05, 2006

it's this

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Latest song rave: You don't know Me

"You Don't Know Me" by Michael Buble

You give your hand to me
Then you say hello
I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me

No, you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend
That's all I've ever been
'Cause you don't know me

I never knew
The art of making love
Though my heart aches
With love for you
Afraid and shy
I've let my chance to go by
The chance that you might love me, too

You give your hand to me
And then you say good-bye
I watch you walk away
Beside the lucky guy
You'll never never know
The one who loves you so
Well, you don't know me

You give your hand to me, baby
Then you say good-bye
I watch you walk away
Beside the lucky guy
No, no, you'll never ever know
The one who loves you so
Well, you don't know me

Life is a real bitch sometimes


Timing can not get any worse than this.

It all started off with me having a tiff with my boss; Medusa..

What happened, to cut it short, i got farked. Real bad, over some huge miscommunication. She thought i didn't do it, but i did. i kept quiet. held my breath. Cut this short story 6 inches shorter, i told my manager and exec director that i will leave right after filing (and i've crossed that period, two days ago).

Now, i couldn't be bothered about this job. I mean, who gives two shit? i can get a job somewhere else, and i'm in no rush to find one. i told myself again and again that i need a break. A longgg one, after working for more than 15hours a day, everyday, since two weeks plus ago. i work on sats too, btw.

Fate, so happens, likes to toy with you on a merry go round, only to make you stay where you didn't intend to stay in the first place. One manager asked me to go to his group, but i'm still under the same bitchy director! So how? Decline lor.

Then i sort of got an offer to change to a completely different thing from the md, but i declined too.

Sigh. Then i spoke to abel in nick's party that day, and boy oh boy... did he give me a wake up call. The story is, if i quit now, and lepak the next 1-2 months off, no employer will want to hire me. it'll be shit hard to find another job.


i wanted to slap myself so hard, and say SHIT. i nearly did, anyway.

So, story is, i'm stuck.

I can't stay in my current group, cause i gave them a notice that i was leaving (like two damn days ago), i can't move to the other manager's group because it's still under the same bitchy director, and it'll be really really stupid to quit now and not get a job for the next 3 months.

Same thoughts reel over my fucking head over and over fucking again.

What's the point of giving me doors to choose from, when i can't make the damn decision? Why bother to tell me this and tell me that, dear life, when i can't do shits about it? What if i do choose what you gave me? What if it's the wrong damn door? i can't just walk back out, slam the door and bloody choose another one. My boy tells me tbat there isn't a right and wrong choice, only the choice that your heart makes. How i can i choose when i don't even know what i want? There IS a right door, and there IS the damn door, and following my heart can only lead me to be damned. What's the damn logic in that?

Fate is so screwed up. You leave a hint here, you leave a hint there.... then another hint right over the opposite site of getting fucked. Why leave me trails when it all leads to ravines, rabbit traps, and a huge ass drain?

i'm so disappointed with myself for not standing up for my damn rights. i am so angry with myself for making the damn decision to work here in the damn place. No regrets? Hell, yes, a whole shit load of regrets.