a conversation with..

LovaBLe-nEuroTic @ Prestige **now i know i can stop myself** says:
wat u doin?

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
starring at your msn window

LovaBLe-nEuroTic @ Prestige **now i know i can stop myself** says:
heh. so 'pei' meh

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
thinking of how to answer u

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
in the last 5 mins

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
ya, because i still know its not ok to u

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
i'm sorry babes

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
i just have too much in my head


So do i, babes. So do i. Time will tell where we belong, and where to go from here.

i do not know what wisdom i have in my heart. i do know that if it's meant to be, it will.

if it's not....

in my dreams

i was in a crowded place.

your face stood out in the crowd.

that smile. that knowing look.

i walked across to you.

*blink*

it was dark.

i was asleep in my dreams.. i felt you stir beside me.

i thought i saw your body move.

i almost believed.

i can i can i can

ignore you.

ignore your smiles. your jibes. your laughter.

ignore everything.

i can! i will! i must!

ggrr.

of my wasted heart

and body...

this weekend... i:

1. didn't get sufficient sleep
2. went to Passion again (with max-ie boy). Pics will b up soon.
3. drove down to mother farking KL twice. Twice. Not funny.
4. drove home fm kl at 3am o.0 there's always a first.
5. had 4 cups of coffee on sat with almost close to no food. and downed it all with alcohol and cigarettes.
6. owned at dota. hehee..... :D (Screams: Killing spreeeeee!!)

and of my heart...

i dreamt of u holding me tight. i felt u close. i heard ur heart beat close to mine.
ur gentle hands, carressing me. like i'm made of glass.
ur voice, comforting. one of a kind.

and i ask myself; is this too good to be true? is this going to last? is this even real?

can i stop myself? do i want to let u in?

the vulnerability of my heart, once more, threatens to consume me.
but a big part of me wants u there.
i don't know if i can honestly be there for u. when u need me.
but i'd be there for u in a heart beat.

and i ask myself again; why am i putting myself in such a position? why am i letting u in?

perhaps.. all i've ever wanted, is you

*Pics galore*

i know i know...

i know i haven't emailed you guys yet.. i know i should. haha. i'm a frigging procratinator! SO SUE MEEEEEE! Wahahaaa.... here are d pics that are so damn ass long overdue, it's fucking growing mould by now.

05.05.2006 @ Poppy

ok, i'm vain, and this was d only nice pic of me

omg



26.05.2006 @ Laundry


farrah n i

me, simon, meng loon, evon and.. someone else.

10.06.2006 @ Bojangles (Deloitte event)

Boonz, Minz, Me

23.06.2006 (Moi Birthday)

Kheong n i @ a chinese restaurant

Cake cake cake!!!



omg, that's me trying to be cute. omg.

my biggest fans

23.06.2006 @ Bar Savannh

Camwhores

i do NOT want to know...

Bladdy Alco's!!

Boon, Me, Minz

wtf?! omg i do not remember taking this!

dennis and i (he puked on the CHAIR after, so pls exercise caution when you are in Bar Savannh the next time at the big big couch)

Freaking drunkards =P

Simon = Lansi like FARK (he never smiles)

24.06.2006 @ Kheong's House

Yet another birthday party. i seriously cannot keep up with all that damn alcohol.

Parteeeeee! (L-R: Lok, part of Shirley, Justin, Jen, Ash, Dave)

Birthday girl n boy (n lok)

Gary the fairy

Abel. No, it's not you. he never stops talking bout work =) Poor candice *lolz*

26.06.2006 & 27.06.2006 @ BALI!!!

somewhere beyond the threshold

a glimpse of sunset

yes, it's me. i'm vain. so frigging sue me! :D

my dinner. all i need.

kuta

Bali bomb site (the recent one in oct 05)

Holy trees! @ Mercure, Bali. Funtastic hotel.

Balinese offerings (they're everywhere!)

A MALL BY THE BEACH? o.0 why can't we hv one here too?

Bali. Coffee. Lazy. *absolute heaven*

Yes, that's about it. There are loads more where that came fm. i'm so sorry guys for taking this long to do anything with it. i promise promise promise i'll send it to you guys asap ok? (which means by next month lar ok? hehe.. and i meant in sept)

of whispers in the heart

work is so boring, i can just keel over and die right now. So what does a girl do when she's bored at work? Blog-whore and Friendster-whore.

... (yes i know, no life, i know)

i chose friendster-whoring today. Looked thru my old old old testimonials.. and.. gosh, i don't know how to write about the feeling of just, realizing how much i've changed over the yrs.

For better or worse, only time can tell. One thing for sure though, i'm not:

1. As princess-y as before.
2. As bitchy as before.
3. As crazy as before.
4. As funny as before.
5. As childish as before.

How will you describe all the above? Hhmm.. maybe i.. grew up? >.< Heck, i don't know. Maybe i grew bitter, and resolutely more depressed over the yrs. Thinking how simple things can always go wrong one freaking way or the other.

How we can lie. How we can give up. How we smile, but we're dying inside. How we can just let go, with no qualms about what the other half says. How we can be someone so completely different with each person we're around with. How we can eventually lose track of our real self after that. (Asks: So who am i?).

Kheong wrote this testimonial to me 2 yrs back:

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to take, only what you are expecting give, which is everything. What you will receive in return varies, but it really has no connection with what you give. You give because you love and cannot help giving."

- Helen Fisher, author of the book, "WhyWe Love"

... how much am i willing to give?

Ode to the misunderstood

Humming this song in my head.. just to forget about that TA bitch. But it makes sense, no?



Not ready to Make Nice - Dixie Chicks

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting..

*SCREAMS BLOOODY MURDER*

at the beech fm my account!

See, there's an editors away program that i'm handling at this very sad, depressing moment. There's not much to do, and me and my manager have decided to make this a relaxing retreat for them.

However, that stupid bitch from TA feels that 'NooOOoooOooo.... must make full use of that fucking money we're forking out. Takkan pay to help them relax meh?'

HALO. Excuuuuse me. These are EDITORS. Chief Editors. Executive *fucking screams murder* editors. Who are YOU to treat them like children? Remember, old spinster, that WE are at their mercy, not the other way around.

They are E-D-I-T-O-R-S, ok, they hold absolute power as to how many articles to come out, and how long it shall be. Who are you, BEEEECH, to think that you can make them like you more, and come out with more articles for your fucking company?!!?!

And, here, i am... sitting on this f**king desk. No manager, No Partner... NO ONE. Nada. i'm all alone, because everyone is in Nor-FUCKING-Way having a holiday of their lives. While i live in Hell just dreading each email and call that comes through. Hoping i won't get fucked by her.

No wonder no one wants you, bitch. You're the biggest most, insufferable woman i have ever met my entire life. Not to mention the worst dressed. And you, wearing that Fluorescent GREEN top and cheap stainless steel earrings can wallow in your f**king self pity wondering forever n ever why you're still f**king alone.

This is a vicious post. i know. screw it.

surprisingly, i miss you

10 things i learnt today

TEN GUIDELINES FROM GOD

Effective immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. Please, follow these 10 guidelines

1. QUIT WORRYING:
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to Me. And although My to-do list is long, I am after all...God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME:
Once you've given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE:
Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME:
I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But there's one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don't forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:
I see a lot of things that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me; you wouldn't want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE:
You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT:
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.


9. BE KIND:
Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF:
As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget.

Article stolen fm Calvin Symon's blog. Yes, he has one. haha.

fanta-bulous post

by this lady who calls herself Chienne, and who's blog (www.creativebitchin.blogspot.com) is one of the best i've read as of yet. (OK, i'm really sorry. i'm SO NOT it savvy. dunno how to link at all, and i'm not bothered to learn. so screw me.)

i don't know her personally, but her life reflects upon mine at some facets. i've gotten to the point where i check her blog once a day.

Something she wrote the other day kinda hit a note with me:

Same thing goes for life. Things go picture perfect, and you itch to reach out and wreck havoc. Just to have a little drama to mar the impossible absence of blemishes and wrinkles and hiccups.And the damage done starts a domino effect that leads to the final destruction of your complete joy, wrecks the sanctuary you were too fortunate to appreciate.

Don't we all do it?

Don't i wreck havoc in my life just for the sake of it? Because life seems to peaceful and gosh, we girls do like a bit of drama eh?

Great blog anyways.

I Can't Make You Love Me

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me...

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

it's still the same. then. now. the same fucking vicious cycle people call love.
i just wish i could take this song and play it in your car and fucking make you understand.
let it hit you again and again, till it makes some sense in your mind.
till you bleed.
like i am now.

naive foolish me

to think that i can control everything. or. to get anything/everything that i want.

i realize now that it's all in my head. there is nothing there.

not one thread of it.

thank you babes for dousing me with water when i most needed it. i DO love you!!

SMOOCH.

the downward spiral of losing control...

..over everything.

i stare at the keyboard, unsure of what to type.

Willing myself to pour my heart out, hoping to do the right thing and make everybody i love, happy.

i stare into space.

and found emptiness.

should i have done something more? or less?

whenever i laugh, i feel like i'm not supposed to. i feel like...

i'm not supposed to be happy.

........

**what have i reduced myself to? why is there a wall between me and everybody else? why am i not trying? why am i trying too hard? why am i pushing everyone that i love away? and everyone that tries to care.. why am i running?**

i'm not ALICE for pete's sake!!!

i need to stop.

slow down, breathe.

but i can't. spiralling down the rabbit hole. faster than i thought i would.

i should really slow down now.

no, really.

please! i didn't expect it to be this way...

*thud*

and then i hit bottom.

the day my hp started to die on me...

my hp is dying on me. my loyal, lovely, old, chunky BLUE-screened Nokia has begun to die.

It consistently turns off without my consent. it happens so often, it's getting fucking irritating.

like, when i'm sms-ing someone... or when i'm in the middle of a call.

and then i'll scream and hurl abuses at my faithful... "MAHAI!!! Now only die meh? Early don't die, late don't die, when i'm on a call only die! Mahaiiiiiiii"

Or somewhere along those lines.

so, i've decided to get a Chocolate.

and it's SO coming!!!!!! i'm getting it cheaper than the market price, cause my dad knows this guy who distributes them. wahahha! yes yes yes!

i practically orgasm-ed when i saw the pic on the comp screen... omg... i was literally caressing the screen making 'oOoohhh, yes.... beautiful... aawwww... ooOooOOooo'

crap.

i'm disgusted with myself at the moment.

ok.

over. hahaaa....

getting a new phone is Surreal!!! :D

going back to my Indonesian roots

Makin aku Cinta - Kris Dayanti

Caramu mencintaiku
Menjauhkan kecurangan
Seperti bintang
Yang setia pada bulan

Memegang kukuh janji
Menemani aku sampai mati
Terpasung hati
Tulusmu mendampingi diriku

Makin aku cinta
Cermin sikapmu yang mampu
Merendam rasa keakuanku
(Mengerti, memahami cinta)

Caramu memanjakan ku
Kau rujuki kesejukan pagi
Memasang hati
Tulus aku, memasrahkan diri

Jangan pernah terbesit hati
Meragukan kesetiaan yang tercurah
Aku dan dirimu ditakdirkan satu
Langit jadi saksi

i just realized that i never have anything constructive to write the past month.

not sure if it's because of the emotional cynic that i am

or maybe because life's been such a b***h to me lately

or maybe because my outlook in life has changed so much.

or maybe, it's the fact that my heart feels like it weighs a frigging ton, and i have to practically struggle (Read: drill through a 6-foot thick wall) to navigate through it.. and everytime i try, i stop.

or maybe i'm just too tired to try. and me, being the eternal 'optimist' that i am.... i just navigate my way around it, never wanting to clear the residual waste inside it before i move on.

or maybe i'm just a drama queen that needs to get a life (oh well, i do love the crown aneeway. and i love this fucking throne that comes with it)

and just a note: To you blog whores, who never leave comments (yes, i know who you are! And yes that includes you too, leanne khor!) please lar say something... mahai.

when the stars fail to shine...

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know His voice
Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, be leaving, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

(Katharina von Schlegel, 1899)

..

thank you for the smiles and laughter

it's surreal.

i haven't been truly happy for a long time. and i know that for a fact.

it's that hard to make me happy, ok? :)

i'm spoilt. i'm pampered. i'm bitchy.

and the world does not fooking revolve around me.

Or so i have been told. By a guy i don't really like.

But his words sorta hit me like those old 80's water bottle handphone that 'teng sei kau' kind, can? i mean... wow.

Apparently i do it subconsciously. The way i say things..

As though i'm superior to others. Or that some ppl are just not good enough for me.

i should learn to be humble, bend my head down, be frigging submissive and be more 'ladylike' and less pretentious.

Sigh, long way more to go man..

i hv another 3 frigging years to catch up.

i doubt i ever will.... but thanks anyway man. Your words were a 'wake me up call'.

And, most of all, i'm sorry if i ever hurt anyone out there with my insensitivity. i'm SORRY!!!

Gosh, women!!

A few things i found out from blackjetta.blogspot.com:

1. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21

2. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.

3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.”

4. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12.

5. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.

6. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.

7. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.

8. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.

9. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.

10. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.

True or Not?

heheheee.. *giggles* i feel that most of it are true.. though there are about 90 more on that blog than i bother to put here (although they're mostly correct as well). Though i firmly believe in No.1.. (bastard)

such thing as first day blues?

it's like going to school on the first day

i'm secretly wishing that i could still:

*hang on to my mother's leg while she drags me to school
*bawl my frigging eyes out and scream profanity (erm, at 5, it'll be "No! i HATE school"
*refuse to wake up and pretend to be asleep even though my parents are threatening to ram the door down
*pretend to be ill from flu (more like alcohol n nicotine overdose)

oh well.

first day of school, first day of work.. same thing same thing.

But overall it's been pretty ok. Just been:

**hanging around
**munching on crabtree n evelyn's Toffee Crunch cookies
**surfing internet (super damn fast connection man! Better than deloitte)
**reading pretty unique and fun press releases
**chatting on msn (YES! i do have msn over here!)
**going down for ciggie breaks every hour (ok, just kidddin. every 3 hours, more like)

work can be so stressful sometimes.

LOLz

soaring high in the sky

the freedom.

i'm free.

from you. from me.

from this burden.

i'm free.

thank you for quitting on me!! cause i quit on you too.

thank you~!

you're nothing

more or less than a thorn in my skin.

nothing more.

just a damn thorn.

and my body will push you right out when it's ready.

till then..

i'll dance, breathe, stare at the stars and coo after rainbows.

kryptonite

poison.
cuts into flesh and bone.
seeps deep into my veins.

pain.
more than tears.
confusion deeper than i've ever felt before.

just one touch.
i burn.
with effort i try to throw you off.
burden's too much.

the rain continues to pour.
the tears continue to flow.
the hurt just grows.

you're kryptonite.

fat white clouds, blue skies and a beeyooteeful rainbow

i got a new job at a pr firm!!!!

*celebrates*