LovabLe Neurotic

this space is my own... the world through my eyes

Friday, June 23, 2006

i'm dumbfounded by your ignorance


just two words to describe you.

Disappointment in you lingers. No apologies. Damage done.

For all it's worth, feeling sorry is one thing. But to blame another, for failing to see 'where you come from' is complete idiocy.

moreover, if it's HIM.

*shakes head*


nothing to say to you. we're all sick and tired of this already la. the WHOLE GROUP.

Woohooo. congratulations, dude.

you're just conceited and righteous.

just thought you should know. hhmm.

the day i turn 24

Last nite was my babe's birthday party... halfway through, we found out our close friend's uncle is passing away from cancer. shock, sadness and disbelief was only part of what i truly felt.

we left our dinner and headed straight for his house. Him, being the great host that he is, rushed back home (But not before buying loads of snacks and food back for us from the stalls in bangsar).

when he finally reached back home, he looked just the way we left him 4 months ago during chinese new yr, with him passing me a BIG RED angpow.. he smiled and gave us his famous 'dissing'.. but behind the happiness and the laughter, i saw, with great sadness, that he's in pain. i glimpsed at those moments when all of us would burst out laughing from a joke he gave, when he would grip the table or look down silently.

i knew he was hurting. my heart ached with him. i blinked the tears back. tried to smile and laugh again.

When we had to leave (seriously i didn't want to leave, but it was 12.35am, and i have to wake up at 7) he gave me a big tight hug (something which he hasn't given me before).... he whispered:

"Happy birthday Lucinda.. may you have many more wonderful birthdays and years ahead to come. You will only have the best and nothing but the best. Then i'll get the 2nd best.. hehe.. but be brave"

Again tears filled my eyes, but i blinked them back.

Later that night, in the shower, i cried my heart out... because:

- he was in pain
- he still loved all of us enough to encourage us to live, even though he doesn't want to anymore
- that he will be gone

And that could have been the last time i will see him. ever again.

Went to bed, dreamless sleep. Woke up this morning bright and fresh.

still felt upset. Didn't feel there was anything special about today. So what, if it's my birthday? Eventually, with each passing year, someone i love will go away.

God has a funny and uncanny way of showing how to open my heart. At that moment, when i said to myself... "What's the point?"... i saw a van in front of me.

Full of kids.

Blowing kisses

At me.

As random as it is, it lifted up my soul. And i truly smiled for the first time in days. As the van pulled away, i smiled and waved at them the last time, and looked up at the morning sky.

The sun was shining down on me, just behind the clouds...

*a moment of silence and peace*

And i knew taht God was looking down on me today. He's saying "cheer up. The sun will always rise again. Each of us has our special time to come or go. Accept it. Move on. you know I love you."

Happy birthday, Me.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Happy birthday Baby!!

It's Yew Kheong's birthday today.... :D

i don't know what other message to put here, besides:-

May you have a joyous celebration this birthday (With ME) and may God look after you everyday (i will have two eyes on you too) and take care of you (As you, ME) and have a blast every yr (with ME beside you soaking in all the glory)!


After all, tomorrow is my birthday anyways.

we're getting old, babes *nods head sagely*


i shouldn't be feeling this crappy. it's just NOT right! i should just let go and be free from all this nagging thoughts and unsaid/saved words in my frigging heart.

i'm going to get pissed drunk on friday nite.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

i'm BWUR

i was writing this email to all my teammates so we can bond over a session of karaoke.. here's the email below.. pretty funny huh? o.0

Dear all,

IAS1 and IAS2 will be having a get together on Friday, 30th June 2006 at Neway Karaoke Box. There will be a boxful of singing, a cauldronful of laughing, and a ton of fun. The details are as follows:-

Venue : Neway Karaoke Box
Berjaya Times Square
Time : 7.30pm till 10.30pm (or 11.30pm, if you feel like a superstar)
Date : 30th June, 2006 (Friday)
Dresscode: Anything you like
Price : Approximately RM40++ (inclusive of tit bits, which are, according to the lady, compulsory)
Food : An international buffet
Drinks : 2 drinks (alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks)

Bring your groove on, and sing your heart out for 3 (or 4) whole hours at Neway karaoke, the latest singing sensation to hit town. Be there, or be square! :D

Disclaimer: Any dissatisfied customers can proceed to Ms Michelle Lai, our official ‘Complaints Management’ Lead.

Best regards
Lucinda Chan (The Groove-Meister)

i'm just so lame. and perhaps. a little too dramatic for my taste. LoLz

of Sparkle and Glitter


so wrong yet so right. so black yet so white.

it glitters and sparkles in the night sky..


Friday, June 16, 2006


i'm not ready.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

awww shit. i'm TAGGED.

Let's Play TagRules of the Game :

1. The tagged victim must come up with 10 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention gender of target.
3. Tag 3 victims to join this game & leave a comment saying they've been tagged.
4. If tagged again, there's no need to post a 2nd time.

Point no. 1 = Compassionate
The man i love must have compassion in his heart. He is kind to everyone, and treat everyone with generosity. i love the man who's heart is generous. Loves me to the depths of the earth, yet compassionate enough to know when to forgive me (easily). heehee..

Point no.2 = Career minded
The man i love will have a goal to achieve in his life. He must want to succeed, to prove to himself that he is a winner.

Point no.3 = Courage
Courage to love.
Courage to give.
Courage to stand up for himself and what he believes in.
Courage to fight for me.

Point no.4 = Rich enough
Ok, i'm not that materialistic ok. Haha.. the guy i love must hv enough so that when we get married, we won't suffer. i wouldn't wanna suffer to pay off my wedding etc etc... not rich rich. But comfortable.

Point no.5 = Love
He must love me. Forgive me. Then try to please me. haha.

Point no.6 = Decent looking
i don't need a guy to look like Calvin Klein's underwear model (drools). Just look 'ok'. More important is his heart.

Point no.7 = Understanding
Because i have a temper, because i have my faults, because i have weaknesses, and because i am impatient.. the man i love must understand me. Someone who knows me so well, he knows when to back off when i'm pissed, when to console me when i'm weak, and when to hug me when i am feeling down. He must understand the life i want to lead, as well as my dreams and desires. More importantly, understand my temper.

And live with it :D

Point no.8 = Respects me
Enough said.

Point no.9 = Mixes well with my friends
i can never have a guy that's unable to mix with my friends. And who constantly criticizes them. i'll chuck you before i chuck my friends, hun.

Point no.10 = Drives a lamborghini
Just kidding. Drives an Altis, silver coloured.. with the number plate 7888.

I here by tag.... Eh... i don't wanna tag anybody else, can? i feel the 'pain' of doing this, so i'm not gonna let anyone else suffer. LOLz.

Monday, June 05, 2006


does it matter how long you've been with that person?


do the depths of your feelings matter more?


Many ppl have argued this issue with me previously.. they say it doesn't matter how long you've been with that person, but how much you feel.

Think about this logically, shall we?

You meet this great guy. Been together for 2 months, and he proposes. You flip over, scream with delight, call all your girlfriends you're getting married... and you convince yourself that time doesn't matter at all. You LOVE this guy so damn much. He loves you to bits. Cherishes you, Appreciates you, Loves you.. etc etc etc.

But after 2 yrs of marriage, and what do you get? Boredom, simplicity, routine, and ... kids.
You no longer feel what you used to feel. The fireworks? Baby, it went down the drain the moment you said 'i do'.

Where did all the 'ngoi cheng' go? It fizzled off like carbon gas in an opened can of coca cola after 2 yrs.

On the other hand...

You've been with this good guy for the past 3 yrs. You've seen his best as well as his worst sides. You know him SO well, that it's getting a tad boring. You long for fireworks. You convince yourself that 'kam cheng is more than ngoi cheng'. You already are in this 'routine, sometimes boring' situation. But you know it's headed that way, that you're bound to walk down the aisle with this man..

You get married. You have kids. You are still in that boring cycle.

But you've already expected this from the beginning. No fireworks? Blah the passion, man. What i have here is what i've expected after 3 yrs of being with this guy. And i'm fucking happy.


Because he gives me comfort, security and love. Not those saucy, burning, sweaty love. Instead, you get the reassuring presence of a man you know you can fart in front of anytime. Anywhere.

After a while, i realize... though the 'kam cheng' is more than the 'ngoi cheng', i know... that even with a new guy (which may turn out to be a bastard in the end anyway) it'll happen all over again.

i'm with you, because i know you. and i know i can adore you the rest of your life (even though i know that i would be wishing for death when i give birth to your baby) O.0

and because, time does matter. Two more days and it'll be 2 yrs and 5 months babe.


Sunday, June 04, 2006

how do we know

that it's time to move on?

a. when we are sick and tired of their nonsense
b. when we finally stop loving them
c. when we finally stop hating them
d. when we realize that what they did/are doing do not affect you anymore
e. all of the above

i say.... e.

i'd love to say i've completely put everything out of my heart/mind.
but i'm not going to frigging say that.

because i haven't.

i wish i could go somewhere, and start over. i wish i could shake your hand again and not make the same fucking mistake. i wish i could stop you. i wish i could stop myself. i wish i could make it stay.

i wish i can make a difference. i wish i can, actually, leave.

Leave the company, Leave my friends, Leave everything and start off fresh.

this isn't how it's really meant to be.

Friday, June 02, 2006

swept off my feet

with memories..

an ex sms-ed me two weeks or so ago. He was going overseas for an assignment, and he thought he's just give me a beep. When we broke up, it wasn't in good terms, i guess, you can say. I was pretty brokenhearted (when am i not? haha) and i wrote to him a seriously long letter.

That was 10 yrs ago.

when i got his sms at (no earlier than) 5.30 (frigging)a.m., apologizing for everything he had done to hurt me.. i don't know. it just made me think.. (but it was awfully sweet of him, anyways)

When is it that we finally realize it's time to move on and forgive the person(s) that hurt you the most? When will it be when we take that burden, dig a damn deep hole, throw it in, and cover it?

When do i say 'i forgive you'?

When do we actually move on from the hurt we felt, and the hurt we've caused others?

For me, i guess it'll be difficult to forgive others. Especially with the ones we held so dear. Maybe time can/will decide when is the right moment.

For my ex, i forgave him after a couple of months. And he changed me in such a way.. i.. cannot seem to imagine. Each hurdle i take, each time i fall, each question i ask myself, each doubt; i learn. i become a better person/friend/lover/daughter. Without them, i am nothing. i wouldn't be the person i am today without the lessons i've learnt with each person that i've hurt/been hurt by.

i keep wondering why, through everything, when will be the time when i will move on from you.

At this company, i can say, i found a good friend. Someone that understands me. Someone that cares.

And to have that feeling of belonging, is, seriously... making me speechless.

This girl, haha, i shall not name her (for fear of ppl bitching, or my ex pointing out that the world is frigging small) has brought me such simple happiness of having a good friend that i can finally trust. After everything.

That meant a lot. It still does.


After all this, i thank you, for teaching me things i could've never learnt. i thank you for the friendship that was. More importantly, i thank you for making me realize my mistakes, my faults and my shortcomings.

Thank you.