LovabLe Neurotic

this space is my own... the world through my eyes

Monday, August 28, 2006

fact: Lucinda is as confused as ever.

fact: Lucinda is hurting less.

fact: Lucinda is lost when it comes to you.

fact: Lucinda doesn't know what to do. When she pulls back and walks away, you come running back to her. When she wants you, you turn and walk away.

fact: Lucinda wonders whether it will end.

fact: Lucinda has stopped crying.

fact: Lucinda is smiling once in a while now. A frown doesnt marr her face all day long anymore.

fact: Lucinda is extremely thankful to her friends who've been there for her. Matt, Chee Hooi, Ed and Lea hv been a real help. Yes, Lea, even though she only, like, called ONCE =)

fact: Lucinda will write once in a while. But not as often, and not as deep as she used to till she's truly ok. But she'll try.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

if only

*the tears will stop flowing
*my heart would stop beating
*this pain will stop hurting
*all i wanted could come true
*you could trust me
*this hand will be warm
*blood will flow through my veins
*i didnt feel so alone
*losing you meant freedom
*i could stop wishing

***this will be my last post. i can't bring myself to write anymore. the pain is too strong, the wound is too fresh, and too close to heart. Sorry***

Monday, August 14, 2006

Michael Buble - A Song For You (feat. Chris Botti)

I've been so many places in my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs and I've made some bad rhyme
I've acted out my life in stages with ten thousand people watching
Oh, but we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you

I know your image of me is what I hope to be,
I've treated you unkindly
But girl can't you see that, there's no one more important to me
So darling can't you please see through me
'cause we're alone now
And I'm singing my song for you

you taught me precious secrets
The truth with holding nothing, you came out in front
When I was hiding,
but now i'm so much better
If my words don't quite come together, please listen to the melody
'Cause my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there is no space or time,
I love you for my life cause
You are a friend of mine

and when my life is over
remember when we were together
And we were alone and I was singing my song for you

We were alone, and I was singing, yeah singing
We were alone, and I was singing this song for you
Singing my song, I'm singing my song for you

***i never knew i could admit this. But i'm still here waiting at your side, still wanting to sing a song for you. i know i've been bad. i know i've been acting like a complete idiot. i know i fucked up at one point or the other. i know it's 'Bridge under water'. But just so you know. i did this. i did want you to see me that way. i wanted you to see me that way. For some stupid reason even i do not know. i'm still here***





((Sorry yar, i dunno how to do that 'link'y shite. hahahaaaa...))


i really don't know what to say when i read it.

As much as i respect that dude's freedom of speech and opinion, what he said was wrong. Downright to the point of being pathetically stupid.

It's wrong, when you condemn another's religion.
It's wrong, when you force another to convert.

Christianity is man-made? EXCUSE ME. If ours are, so are yours, stupid.

We came from the same branch, did we not? We pray to the same God, am i wrong?

And yet to say that our religion is 'not worth apostatising for'? And to be disgusted with the fact that it is logically impossible for Christianity to be hanging on to our faith that there is such thing as a Holy Trinity? Moreover, to be personally disguted that our GOD came from the loins of a woman? (it's clear here how important they view women as, huh?)

I have so many Muslim friends who are absolute darlings. Who love me as much as i love them. Who treats others with nothing less than respect. It's sad when you see some Muslims have this much hatred in them for Christians. It's just as sad when i see my brothers/sisters condemning other religions as well.

Shouldn't we all just live in peace and stop judging others? i do not claim to be a saint, i do not say i am sin-less.

But how could we look at another friend in the eye and tell them that what they believe in is complete idiocy? Can you?

Friday, August 11, 2006

my inner sanctum

Remember when you were a child? Remember the hours spent watching or reading fairy tales? Or children's tales meant to teach you life lessons while you were glued to the set/book when you were just a mere 10 yrs old?

They thought you to be polite, loving, caring, determined, kind, and most of all to be honest.

Do you remember The Secret Garden?

A little girl finds a dilapidated garden, and is determined to bring it back to its splendid state. The more she lingers in the garden, the more secrets she uncovers. Not only does she 'refurbish' the garden, she manages to help her cousin to walk again, and re-bond the cousin and his father.

don't you have a secret garden?

i know i do. where no one can touch me. My inner sanctum. Somewhere i feel safe, and protected. A garden where i can keep my deepest darkest secrets, and holds the love and life essence of me.

Somewhere, along the way i locked the door to my garden and lost the key.

In the movie, the little girl brought the garden back to life. I am still waiting for someone to bring me back to life again. Breathe life into me, and help me understand and embrace Love. I need someone in my life to take care of me, and nurture me back to my old self.

This book talks about children and their need for tender loving care if they are to flourish. Perhaps, as it turns out, that these children's tales were meant for US? Adults. How in the absence of love, and care, one can turn to stone. Or like the poor crippled cousin.. we are pushed aside and tucked away in the corner, without love, and eventually will (with time) shrivel up and die.

Like the garden, I wait. Patiently for the day when someone will find the key and open the door. I do not promise that it willbe a pretty sight. I do not promise that it will be beautiful. I can not promise that all sorts of weeds won't be growing in there.

but with your love, light, water and care, I can grow. I will grow into a beautiful spring bloom.

I'm still waiting for you.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Writer's Block


Tuesday, August 08, 2006

chasing peace, not dragons

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You were pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

--=i just want to believe=--

Monday, August 07, 2006

the good....

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the bad....

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and the ugly....

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lolz. i should b hung.


we talked a moment ago. he mentioned that i've never let him in.

that at some point in my life, i closed the door and threw away the key. did i?

i never realized i've turned into this monster. over the years, all the heartaches and disappointments have turned me into something i hate the most. when did i turn so cold, so inhumane?

yet i wait for the day for someone to come and touch me. someone that has that knowledge and love to help me twist this handle clockwise and open this door. i really want to move on. i really want to heal. i really want to pretend nothing bad has ever happened in my life. that everything, even the worst of shitty experiences and memories, happened for a reason. a good reason, be at that.

i've thought about it. how much love am i willing to give someone? even if i do love someone that much, will i ever change? will i give up my frostiness for the warmth that once echoed around my words and actions?

i listen to sad songs of heartache and pain, and read articles that hurt me the more i read on. yet i continue. willing the pain to course through my heart, mind and body again. hoping, wishing, that if i feel enough pain, i might become more human. testing myself. pushing myself over the limit.

it doesn't matter if it's hurt or pain or heartache or disappointment i feel.

at least i do.

i need that, at least.



i wanna hang my head in shame and DIE. just fucking drop dead and die.

ah, screw it.

have you ever wondered how sometimes life just loves throwing shite at you at the most 'opportune' moment? For example:

1. You have the worst diarrhea of your life. Your bunghole is burning to point of reaching the temperature on Mars. You see a doctor, get your meds. You think that everything's gonna be ok now, eh? All of a sudden, you drop your mobile. SMashes on the floor. Bounces off the damn stairs. *crash, bang, boom* You're not sure if you're in the right mind to either laugh or cry.
2. You think you met a guy that's great as friends. Probably the rank can be escalated as time goes by. The chemistry and fun is intense. You try to be there for him. You cherish whatever shite and emotional baggage he throws at you. When he just disappears. Walks out on you. And you go "Wat the Fucking Hell just happened?" Baby, you just got run over and that fucking excuse for a dick ran. that's what happened. Fine. You walk out too. Only to find out a frigging day later that you've been embarassed. Embarassed of being not wanted. at all.

You smile. You wave. You say "Hey, i can take this shite. Why don't you throw some more at me? At least i'll can find out the limit of how much shite to take. Come on, give me another blow you pussy".

let's all hope that we're stronger than they make us out to be.

Sunday, August 06, 2006


i don't know you anymore.

no, wait.

i don't think i knew you to begin with.

i love walking away. at least my head is held up high.

while you stay here. and all you will hear are the words you fear. the things you love most are nothing more than a passing phase. you will feel the pain you inflicted upon others.

one day you'll know. pain.

each breath you draw.
brings venomous thoughts to me.

a human feels more.

but you don't.

your fear.
will turn in.
and the center of your soul.
will bleed.

you claim to feel?

**no matter what i sacrifice, it's still never enough**

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


i remember us building, castles in the air
how could you turn and walk away
and watch our castles turn to sand?

seeing the world pass on by
through this tainted window
everything fades
and flows into the sea
i remember holding you close
as the light turned down low
and heard your heart beat
so close to mine

i wish i could hold the knife closer
allow my blood to flow with my tears
cause all i can feel is you
i used to be the marionette
but all i am now
is a broken doll, too tired to move on.


i've always believed that i see only the things i want to see.

No matter how bad things are, i seem to find a reason, an excuse; so that things look better. at least they do in my eyes.

Not until my girlfriends point my flaws out, or splashes freezing *fucking* ice cold water over my head do i realize that.. "Hey! Seriously, what am i doing? Am i even sure at all?"

i always see past the jaded stuff, and make believe that all this shite i'm going through is nothing. Nothing compared to the way he touches me or how he makes me feel. That this is real. but who the fucking-hell knows? What if he isn't? What if it's just a facade that he shows? What if it's just the representation he has already drawn in my mind? And i'm just stupid enough to follow and listen?

Why do i continue to paint pretty pictures of everything, when, actually, things just look like a barren-fucking-wasteland of dashed hopes?

Does it even matter?

At the end of the day, the point is; what the fucking hell matters most?



i stumbled upon this stuuuuuuupid stupid stuuuuuupid questionnaire, hoping that my true sign is other than cancer. Answered all the questions, and thought "Hey! Maybe i ain't a typical Cancerian after all eh? :D"

And then... mahaiiiiii.....

Your True Sign is Cancer
Unable to Let Go
The Most Loving Ever
Intuitive and Imaginative


Rendered momentarily speechless.

Proves that no matter how far i try to run, i can never outrun my fate. wtf. mahai

However, on another note.. since i'm on a roll...

You Are Buffy the Vampire Slayer
"We saved the world. I say we have to party."
What Superheroine Are You?

Wahahaa.... omg....... yes i know i'm *this* close to worshipping Buffy. hahaa...

Men See you as Playful
Men want a challenge and you are the perfect playmate
You know how to push men's buttons and attract a wide range of guys
You enjoy living and loving - it's one of your most attractive qualities
Men are often consumed with desire for you, and you love that!

How Do Men See You?

oOOooooOooo.. Ah.. so i am playful eh? Wahahaaa.... naughty, not horny ok. there's a diminutive difference.

And finally....

You Should Be with an Earth Sign!!
Your best match is a Taurus, Virgo, or Capricorn

Why? You like your guys to pamper, wine, and dine you
Not that you're a gold digger, you just like the finer things
An Earth Sign will go all out to woo you - and enjoy doing it
And you'll never find a more trustworthy or loyal match!

What Sign Should You Date?

You have got to be kidding me. Hell NO!! Stupid shite.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Disgruntled lil bitch

i feel so stuuuupid.

i've really had enough.

i'm out.