wrote a particularly emo post here on friday evening.

in a way i'm glad that something went wrong while i published it, hence it wasnt posted. sometimes the emotions we feel tend to create more negative consequences.

---------------------------------------------------------

It was a good rave at pd yesterday, tho the crowd were a bit.... erm....

*bleh*

and the grass was a bit too muddy.

Pics laterz!

=)

let's do a Lea!

i was at Loft @ Zouk last nite with Mattie, Chee Hooi and Wei Jun (is that how u spell his name? o.O).. so anyway, this dj van, whoop! he plays the best breaks EVER. Seriously.

i've never seen matt that high over music >.<

wiki wiki~!

Come let's all do a lea!
ok fine, confession: i did a Lea last nite. Chee Hooi parked his car, we all got down and they took the short cut out to the mainroad a.k.a. walking down a short but rather steep slope.

Luc: How to walk?!

*pauses*

Luc: Shit i can't believe i said that (Matt was staring by now) err... i walk by putting the left leg in front of the right leg, then the right leg in front of the left leg and so on.. *blushes*

omg.

and i confused Perodua with Proton.

*slaps forehead*

i'm a closet blonde. Ssshhhh.
*don't tell anyone*

Ripped this off Betty's blog:-

A - Age: twenty-freaking-four. You ppl out there, don't snigger! You're old too!
B - Band listening to right now: Erm, it's quiet in the office. But i listen to.... Lisa Loeb.
C - Career: I write stories. For newspapers and magazines.. =)
D - Drink or smoke: Drink twice a week, smoke on weekends ONLY (Fine, i'll define weekends: Monday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday)
E - Easiest person/s to talk to: Kheong, Matt, Lea
F - Favorite song/s at the moment: How by Lisa Loeb, Kiss Goodbye by Wang Li Hom, Some stupid chinese song by Justin, and Freshmen by Verve Pipe.
G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: Er, aren't they made from the same shite anyway? What's the difference? ok, i know i'm cynical, but STILL? O.O
J - Junk foods you like: hardly take em.
L - Longest car ride ever: From here to Haadyai. 13 hours. Try sitting in a BUS for 13 fucking hours. omg, my ass was FLAT by the time i got out. i was limping like a duck.
M - My favorite Sport/s: i don't do any sports. i watch. intelligent ppl sit down and observe.. *nods head sagely*
N - Number of relationships you've had: O.O
O - One wish you have: To migrate to aussie. Aussie Aussie Aussie! =)
P - Phobias: Cockroaches
Q - Favorite Quote: a Latin quote - 'Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur' which translates to "We choose to love, we do not choose to cease loving" by Syrus
R - Reason to smile: you, family, friends.
S - Song: As stated above.
T- Time you woke up: 8.00am
U - Unknown fact about you: I'm actually nearly as blonde as Lea. i just hide it well. Ssshhh.
V - Vegetable/fruit you hate: hhmmm......... erm.......... i eat everything.
W - Worst habit: working Smart. No, really, it's a really bad habit. If i know i can wite this story in 2 hours, but i tell my boss i'll do it by 5. So i write finish in two hours, except the closing paragraph, then go and lepak for 2-3 hours. hehe. So when my boss checks on me, i said i'm already doing the closing. hahahaa.... Evil bitch i am.
X - X-rays you've had: 1 yr ago.
Y- Yummy food/s: Jap, Thai, nothing sweet
Z- Zodiac sign: i'm a soppy cancerian baby

ok, i'm happy.

Back to "work"!! *giggles*

ripped this off a forwarded email:-

Guide To Find Your Type of Girl Around Town
Depends on what kind of chicks u r looking for:

1) Teenage chicks with lots of skin to bare who prefer to dance the whole night and would most likely have a Mat Motor boyfriend: Shadows (Bangsar)

2) Classier chicks with velvet gowns and can dance, not any dance, but Salsa : Q-Ba at Westin Hotel (Bintang Walk)

3) International school chicks (white chicks/jap-chicks/exotic looking chicks/rich chicks) who love to drink : Mezza (formerly T-Club Bangsar)

4) Working chicks who are looking for love : Bar Flam (Bangsar)

5) 'God-fearing' chicks who play carrom from Bangsar Gospel Centre : Coffee Bean / Star Bucks i.e. any coffee place in town whose average price is around RM10 for a cuppa (this weeds out all the coffee shops in Lucky Gardens)

6) Hard-core biker chicks or the opposite.. Tudung chicks : mamak stalls in front of the food court previously known as Jolly Green Giant (Bangsar)

7) Chicks who are dating guys who are already married / guys who wanna be girls : Red Chamber (Bangsar)

8) Malaysian girls who speak with a British/American/Aussie/Rojak accent who think they are BBC/BBI/BBM(u know wat I mean) and are looking for a boyfriend who has blonde hair and drinks 'Snake Bite Black': Finnegans (Bangsar)

9) Malaysian girls who speak with a British/American/Aussie/Rojak accent who think they are BBC/BBI/BBM who have already found a boyfriend from Finnegans : Telawi Street Bistro (Bangsar)

10) Girls who look like boys who like girls who look like girls: Seasons Pool Club (Bangsar)

11) Paula Malai Ali type of chicks: The Social (Bangsar)

12) White chicks with white boyfriends/husbands (who also have tan-skinned girlfriends from Beach Club/Thai Bar etc.) : La Bodega (Bangsar)

13) Chicks that have rich boyfriends and like expensive red wines: Grappa / Wine Bar Heritage Row

14) Chicks that have poor boyfriends and want a taste of western food : McDonald's / Burger King

15) Party chicks that think they're so happening they don't mind sweating in a firetrap for 4 hours: Poppy

16) Hip-hop chickas who know someone who knows someone who's having a pissup/birthday party and they can avoid cover charge: Nouvo / Sangria

17) Pill-popping chicks and they're drug-induced boyfriends: Atmosphere / Carlos

18) Pill-popping chicks who don't want to go out with "playaz" but suddenly find themselves trying to grab the attention of the "playaz": Bliss (Sadly closed down dammit)

19) Feng Tau chicks : not sure but we think its the old Emporium or K Club

20) Capati chicks who are already betrothed to some distant cousin on their father's orders : Dhol, Bangsar

21) Beautiful popping chicks with very little clothing & supposedly gangsters boyfriends : TBR KL

22) Beautiful model chicks or wannabes with cheeky friends in tow who can hold their drinks : Velvet

LoL! Which one are you?

i hate going down all the way to kl nowadays, so i tend to hang out in:-
**Laundry
**SS

Anyone care to add in a profile for chicks who hang out at Laundry? =)

icky green stuff..

a conversation:


yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
u need to cleanse ur body ler

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
i think a lot of toxin

LovaBLe-nEuroTic (i will never ever mix beer, tequila & vodka ever again. urgh) **Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur** says:
hahaha could be
after this week k, after ParTee in peedee first

LovaBLe-nEuroTic (i will never ever mix beer, tequila & vodka ever again. urgh) **Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur** says:
start detoxing

LovaBLe-nEuroTic (i will never ever mix beer, tequila & vodka ever again. urgh) **Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur** says:
i'll go to curve
take some of that weed water

LovaBLe-nEuroTic (i will never ever mix beer, tequila & vodka ever again. urgh) **Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur** says:
double shot or something

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
-_-"

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
wheat grass babes

yew-kheong.lee-eds says:
not weed


o.O same thing, same thing *waves hand like a bimbo*

people!!

i have a lump at the base of my head, near the neck.

about 1-2 cm in diameter.

it hurts.

shit.

should i see a specialist?

ps: NO, i didn't hit my head. NO, it's not a mozzie bite. NO, it's not due to excessive alcohol.

pussy

i am.

A FUCKING HUGE COCKROACH (1cm in length) crawled across my table and i screamed! it crawled under my phone, and then it completely disappeared! Vanished! without a trace.

ARGH

now i'm so scared to even put my hands down on my table

in case it comes up again.

not easy to type with my hands nicely hovering over my keyboard at all times ok. Not funny! i have a 4 page feature to write by today. ARGH

Why, God, why?

Are You punishing me because i eat on my table? And occassionally leave crumbs on it? But You know i hate cockroaches... and i don't even touch them. So why punish meeeeee? i don't harm them.. i RUN AWAY from them

i'm so scared of cockroaches i'd rather die than touch them.

ARGH

*yes i am paranoid*

tried finding the name of that phobia, but apparently it's still in debate. Some call it blattodephobia. Hhmm..

i found this one highly amusing!

Parthenophobia- Fear of virgins or young girls

imagine being afraid of virgins! haahahaaaaaa

-----------------------------------------------------------------

and i also am a pussy when it comes to drinking.

on Fri we went to Laundry (nick, candice, me, ivor, kheong, abel, and mich) and we had beer and tequila.

decided it wasn't enough.

went to Nick's house and drank more tequila and vodka.

and we had so much fun drinking we completely ignored kheong, who sat throughout our alcohol bingeing for 6 hours! haha. We were so high, we were even amused with this stupid roulette Nick bought from Nilai.

we just kept on laughing. and we drank some more and laughed again. haha.


Abel spinning!

i dare say i will never ever ever mix the three above again. Felt so hungover i could just keel over and DIE.

i never used to have hangovers. Perhaps it was because i was young. Shit. i used to drink like, 20 shots and still end up with no hangover.

i'm really not that much older. Perhaps all the years of drinking since i was 13 is taking its toll now. so much for quitting *sheepish smile*

i despise counting

... my pennies.

***warning: this is an angry angsty post about my sad self. Just allow me this moment of release***

i mean, i hate it. i really really hate it.

Ever since i started working i've been counting
*this month must save RM1000 (ended up saving onli RM700)
*this month cannot buy clothes (ended up buying RM150 worth of shoes)
*this month i need to cut down on drinks.. spend less on alcohol! (ended up spending RM150 on liquor)
*this month cutting down on petrol.. must drive economically! Don't accelerate so much! (ended up going to and fro KL 3 times a week to accommodate some fucker)
*this month must budget spending to RM100 a week oK! (NO o.k.... K.O. instead)

tiu.

i mean... where has all the joy in life gone? Instead, i count my pennies, then realizing how moody i've gotten to trying to save more, ended up spending MORE instead.

i hate it.

i hate the fact that all those rich boys get to spend as much as they want.
i hate the fact that all those rich girls get to buy Gucci's, and Prada's and LV's.
i hate the fact that i'm looking forward to payday so desperately.
i hate the fact that i want to save.
i hate the fact that i want to have a better life ahead..
i hate the fact that i'm planning, and joining this really good savings scheme that will give me LOADS of rewards when i'm retired.... but everyone's just... living for the moment.

they don't need to save or anything.
why should i?

.....
Because i want to... argh, i don't even know what the fuck this post's about in the first place.

shit.

it started because...

i'm not supposed to touch my savings. but i did. took out RM50 last nite... cause i onli had RM2 left in my wallet.. so aiyah, oklah, this will last me till Tuesday... (weekend's on kheong) then i just save more lar when my pay comes out on Monday.

i didnt realize that i put it in my BAG not my wallet. when i reached work this morning.. i thought i had RM52 so i went to buy breakfast for RM1.50.. fuck looked inside, ccb onli Rm2.

TIU LOR.

i had to pay mar, take food adey. tiuuuuuu

now i hv no more cash in my wallet.

Well 50 cents count, no? Still, i have nearly nothing in my wallet.
Lunch is on office today, but i hv to pay RM2 for the toll later..... howwwww?

and me, being the cheap bitch that i am, refuse to go and take marnee fm my savings again. No more cash in my office account... *sob sob*

i hate being so cheap.
i never used to be so cheap (well that was before i started planning for my retirement)

good rewards at the end of the rainbow? >.<
i really hope so

*faint smile*

setting it straight

My name is LUCINDA.

Say it out loud now.

LOO-SIN-DEH (NOT loo-sin-DAR)

Ok, let's do this again.. Loo-Sin-Deh.

That's right

*beams*

My boss, bless his kind soul, is eighty three years old. He's the sweetest boss ever, hardly correcting me and giving me a chance now and then to prove myself.

He has though, one irritating habit: he calls me LuCianDA.

really.

Loo-Cee-Ann-DAR.

i mean, hallo. i'm on your paylist.. you see my name on my reports, on my feature stories, on my press releases... and it's just plain Lucinda. Not LuCianDa.

So so wrong. My colleagues will just laugh and leave me feeling indignified whenever he calls me to his room.

*shakes head*

Then, my sweet colleague Lucia brightened up my day!

Lucia: Lucifer (oh shit!) i meant Lucinda.... *giggles*
Luc: Waaat..
Lucia: You know ah, on TV3 snd TV2 at 5-7pm on Sundays there's this coffee commercial. The coffee is called Lusianda Coffee with Tongkat Ali and that women's herb *wink wink*
Luc: (thinks: who the fuck watches tv3 and tv2 nowadays? Dude!) huh? U kidding? Crap. My name defiled yet again..
Lucia: *bursts out laughing*

....

mch. i mean, how more insulting can it be? The coffee promotes healthy reproductive systems.

My name very farnee ah now? it's Lucinda. Not LuCianDar or Lusianda. Nor is it Lucifer, as some people so rightly put it.

Dammit!!!

not funny. Shut up.

sweet Lord above...

At 11pm (on a Monday night, no less):

*8 shots of vodka Kickapoo consumed (Yes KickapoO! we were.. experimenting)
*2 ciggies smoked (Come on, what's drinking without smoking eh?)
*1 Large Fries shared (What's alcohol without food afterwards?)

Yeah, well folks.. there goes my 'promise of celibacy'

Crap.

i'm so bad at keeping resolutions

i shouldn't even bother making 'em in the first place

***hangs head in shame***

of fog and water

should i quit smoking and drinking?

Been thinking about it for a while. I've been drinking at least twice a week for the past few months. This coming from a girl who literally stopped clubbing for 1.5 years.

i drank SO fucking much on my birthday (21st, 22nd, 23rd and 24th) that i got alcohol poisoning. No, i don't think it was food poisoning, the symptoms were all wrong.

So i was just wondering, should i quit? i mean, my babes Matt wants to quit too! So should i?

i'm already halfway there with putting out the cigarette butt for good.

Feedback!

***Fark, i'm already wishing i'm not quitting***

Snake-ing is a gift

*naughty giggle*

my boss isn't around much today.. i really don't know why and i couldn't really care less.. as long as i get my 5 hours of peace in office, i'm overjoyed! =)

....................................................................................................

People who are close to me know that with me, it's always safer to book an appointment with me first if they wanna meet up. Alvin the Chipmunk have been brushed off one too many times, and he got a bit irked.

It's simple.

In my orderly pre-organized world, i make plans a week ahead or further. Weekends especially. i can't be bothered to go anywhere else on a weekday besides Tmn Desa, Dota, Work and Boy, so there isn't much time left anyway if you wanted to slot in (DAMN, that sounded wrong!).

And after a while, the more you get to know me.. once i make a promise to meet you; rain or shine i'll be there. Regardless of whether i have a car, no car, no legs or what not, i'll be there. i'll push away other people just to make time for you. When i promise to spend time with you, it's only you. No one gets a slot. i like to make people feel like there's no one else on earth i'd rather be with at that moment.

So when you fuck up, and you tell me that you're fong-ing me. Whoa bay-bee. i can get as angry as a bitch (which isn't hard, cause i'm a big bitch 90% of the time already).

Maybe it seems weird to many people out there who never plan further than 1 day (Lea and Simon) and find it really hard to even make an appointment and keep to it. No offence babe =) i still love you.

This weekend's (Leisure activities only) plans:-

Fri
1930 - Dinner with Alvin @ State (Braised duck rice)
2100 - Pool at Asia Cafe with Alvin & his Satria gang
2230 - Carlsberg Party @ Cafe Citron
0200 - Stumble home drunk, vomit, and sleep.

Sat
1930 - Dinner with Kheong
2100 - Meet up with Info Crew @ Tmn Desa
2230 - Rave @ KL Tower with Max.

Sun
1500 - Dota (GOD! Let me play 4 games, please!!)
1900 - Dinner with Kheong and family
2100 - Cuddle up in bed with a healthy book

for the better?

i know about all the 'love' shit. Of brotherhood and and friendship. Of (as quoted by sunil) 'World Peace'

Seriously. Does it ever bother us that the world isn't all happily holding hands (while praying 'Our Father'?) Does it ever bother us that not all of us can see eye to eye and actually smile?

Racism
Religion extremists
... and Oil

These are just three of the big pile of shit that's going on around now. We fight for Oil. We hate another for the colour of his/her skin. We despise other 'confining' religions.

The above doesn't bother me one bit. Why cry for the world when i don't even wanna play a big part in it? i just wanna settle down, have my own business, maintain my links of friendship, play pool, drink, smoke (trying to quit), and eat all the PORK in RibLee's Hartamas. i don't care.

i have uber-cool muslim friends, nearly-fanatical protestant friends, holy buddhist friends, and the 'don't give two shits about anything and everything' friends. and i like them.

The rest of the world can be as racist as they are, scream obscenities at other religions and kill each other over oil. i'm just living my life here.

However.. if any (and i mean any) arseholes, bastards and the likes, touch ONE hair of my friends (based on their race or religion) then they will have to face my wrath. i'm not pretty when i get angry.

To end the note.. here's a pretty song i like from Indigo Girls, called Deconstruction. Pretty much sums up the whole 'we should love each other' thing.

Deconstruction - Indigo Girls
We talked up all night and came to no conclusion
We started a fight that ended in silent confusion
And as we sat stuck, we could hear the trash truck
Making its way through the neighborhood
Picking up the thrown out, different from house to house
We get to decide what we think is no good

We're sculpted from youth, the chipping away makes me weary
And as for the truth it seems like we just pick a theory
It's the one that justifies our daily lives
And backs us with quiver and arrows
To protect openings cause when the warring begins
How quickly the wide open narrows

Into the smallness of our deconstruction of love
We thought it was changing, but it never was
It's just the same as it ever was

A family of foxes came to my yard and dug in
I looked in a book to see what this could possibly mean
Cause there is fate in the breeze and signs in the trees
And possible tragic events

When forces collide, with the damage strewn wide
And holes blasted straight through the fence
The sky starts to crash the rain on the roof starts to drumming
And laid out like cash you tick on my list of shortcomings

The show starts to close, I know how this goes
The plot's a predictable showing
And though it seems grand we're just one speck of sand
And back to the hourglass we're going

Back to the smallness of our deconstruction of love
We thought it was changing, but it never was
Our deconstruction of love...

At the end of the day, we decide what affects us, and what motivates our heart. i'm not going to allow other people's hatred to be my undoing. i just wanna live my life. the way i like it to be.. =)

postcript: Dammit, isn't that DAMNN new receptionist from BluInc ever going to pick up the DAMN phone? Dammit!

a quickie~!

this happened to Lea (the famous Blonde)... i mean, she sure looks like Chinese to me. But she's one of the blondest person i've ever met my entire life; including myself (yes i have Blonde moments too ok. i just.... don't blog about it *giggles*)

Ladies and Gentlemen, i present to you... Leanne!:

You know what happened to me? I got my new scan card this afternoon, so after lunch I let myself into the building by scanning…….
.
.
.
THE INTERCOM.

After 3 tries I asked myself, “ehhh crapp why isn’t it going TEEETT and opening the door???”
.
.
.
Then I looked 5 metres below the intercom, and saw the scaning thingie.

Omg laaaaa


LIMAU!!! (It's LMAO, but adapted to malaysian version, thanks to Chee Hooi andMatt)

i really don't know how to do that whole linking shite (not very technologically savvy), so you'll just have to go to www.sushu.blogspot.com

this one is for you

you know, when i write about you sometimes.. nobody knows it's dedicated to the one i love. Sometimes they get confused as i never name names here (ok fine, no one really knows). it's just unfair to defame someone or to complain or to bitch on my blog. i get angry; occassionaly, upset; often, sad; every other day.. but i hv never mentioned names.

i prefer this type of anonymity.

at least no one gets hurt. directly.

This is just another one of those posts. Where i'm directing to you, again, my dear friend.

i'm getting really weary of all your promises.

*you promised one thing, yet you fail to fulfill it.
*then you promise another thing to cover yourself on the first failed promise, and end up disappointing everybody
*you said one thing, but what actually happened was the opposite.
*you backstabbed him, but when i spoke to the said person, it never happened!
*you did this to yourself; he did not do this to you.
*don't you realize when the sun sets, that you're at the losing end?
*have you ever thought of changing? Of being true to yourself?
*of being honest just one bit.

one bit. that's all.

i wished you could've told me yourself, could you not? of course no harm was caused. of course it wasn't meant to hurt me. or anyone else for that matter. of course nothing much happened at all as a consequence of your actions.

but still...

you don't have to lie to me. just to keep up with your image. my image. i'm the last person you have to pretend to, dear.

i'm not calling you pretentious, because it's not you.

after all this, i love you still. more than i ever should, considering the factors involved. yet i am still here.

if you should ever need a hand, i'm yours to hold.
if you should ever need a shoulder to cry on, i'm yours too.
if you should ever need someone to talk to, i'm there in a heartbeat.
if you need someone to laugh with, i will squel with happiness.
if you need someone to laugh at, i'll laugh at myself along with you.

have i not proved myself over the years how much i love you? sigh.

i'm not angry, never angry at you.

i won't do anything drastic. it's not worth throwing this away over issues like that.
But i sure hope something good comes out of this.

*crossing fingers*

i'm proud to say that i'm getting over it.

i am.

with my head held up high; you can very well go fuck yourself. And your 'principles' along with it while you're at it too.

Normally i'm not this angsty or bitchy and i do not have this whole-rage-thing *waves hand*

But..

FUCK YOU BITCH TO THE DEPTHS OF THE SEVENTH HELL!!!!!!!!!

you can SO NOT call me at 5.40pm (knowing wel enough that i leave office at 6 fucking sharp) and ask me to amend YOUR last minute article that i was forced to write, and add in 17 fucking products!

You can NOT!

even with that limited time that you've thrown in my face, i've written a rather .. nice, peace... one can even call it pretty.

Now that you've butchered that up (not really) and added in seventeen products to my beautiful article, which i've only limited to 9, you've basically turned it into a piece of meat.

It's no longer art.

It's no longer literature.

Just a fucking piece of meat, you fucking aunty, with a brain the size of a fucking pea!!!!!

It read so smoothly from paragraph to paragraph, now it's plain Ugly. Choppy. Uneven. So incorrigibly pathetic.

urgh, i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate.

*phew*

Hate.

the familiarity is shocking

i bumped into an old flame the other day, he took me in his arms, gave me a big squeeze of a hug, and.. it didn't feel wrong.

in fact, it felt nice.

=)

and as shameful (to a lot of ppl out there, and even to kheong) as it sounds, hell, i miss that.

i miss the familiarity. not the person. (and no, i do not love him, end of story, dammit)

Like, the way he used to hold my hand, or the way he used to talk to me. The way he used to make me melt just by holding me close. How proud i used to feel walking by his side (Well, maybe i was a little girl, you know). How romantic it felt when he smelled my hair and kissed it.

i miss all that.

i miss being young.

Crap, i'm only twenty-fucking-four and i feel so damn old.

F**king b***h.

i hope you rot!

My client, ms yc from t-fucking-a.. threw me a deadline ... erm... just about.. 10 minutes ago.

i have to write a Feature Story, by noon tomorrow.

it's 4 in the fucking pee-Mmmm now.

How the fuck does she expect me to write that fast? it'll b unoriginal, boring even, to the point of kiling oneself to read the damn article.

and MY article is going to get published in The Star Supplement. WTF.

Fucking bitch.

On top of that, i have to finish yet ANOTHER story, set by that bitch by Wednesday morning.

Yipeee doooo dah.

Lucky me.

Well, at least my boss sticks up for me (at the least, really, at the very least...) here's what she said to our dear yc:

2. Supplement – to the media – would have preferred more notice to do a better job. But we’ll see what we can do with less than 24 hours notice. Miracles do happen.

as much as a christian (Out-Standing christian at that. Get it? Out(side) Standing) i am, i am still cursing and bitching as much as my mouth and heart can possibly handle.

%^#@!

Up yours, bitch

You know what? i'm getting too weary of all this shit.

Why are you doing this to me? For what good damn reason? Can you please fucking tell me?

Was i not there for you whenever you wanted me to? Was i not defending you when you needed me to? did i not give you the best advise i could possibly give a friend, a damn good friend at that? Have i not given enough? Did i not shoulder at least half of your fucking burden (of not having enough money, of not having a good job, of not doing a good resume?)

What the fuck was i thinking?

When i amended your damn resume, word for fucking word. When i drove all the way down to where you boys would be, because you didn't have a car. When i disseminated out your resume to possible employers that i think would suit your character.

i'm not asking for much.

Heck, i've never asked for anything in return.

i wanted to do this, because i thought you'd be worth it. that my care and love for you as a friend would amount to something good in the end.. something that can withstand the test of time.

All you've done so far, is to make me feel used. You say you respect me. You say you treat me as a true friend. You say that i deserve better treatment from people around me.

Yet you sometimes, are the one causing this irritation of pain. Like a frigging thorn stuck in my finger. You hurt me. You did, you know.

you didn't notice.

But you did. And i cannot believe i fell for it.

Now when i've left you, and stopped caring as much as i did;
you're coming back.

Didn't you realize i stopped talking? Didn't you realize that everytime you say something challenging, i stopped arguing back? Didn't you realize that i was really no longer there with you, for you?

.... didn't you see that i was pulling away from you?

i've taken care of you so much.
i've given you more than you deserve to receive.

and yet you disregarded it.

disregarded me.

i can take this from other ppl who claim to be friends with me..
but not from you.

not you.

i swear...

- i'm the Stuuuuupidest bitch ever.
- i can't drink as much as i used to be able to.
- i'm a softie at heart.
- i get influenced easily
- i will NEVER drink on a weekday nite again (more over on a wednesday night; mid-week blues)
- i still can't think straight (and i have a meeting later at 2)
- i'm not going to drink with Deloitte people again
- The Curve is overrated; so is Laundry
- i can still taste alcohol in my mouth and smell it in my breath

Good GOD

NO. MORE. ALCOHOL. on a weekday night

no more

*whimper*

you really always knew, i just wanna be with you

do you really have to let it linger?

of friendship and love

gone were the days where i could cling on to my innocent childhood. Gone also were the times i could learn to listen to your heart, understand what you're going through and hold your hand. gone were the hours spent talking on the phone. gone were the memories of me sitting in your car, watching you from an outsider's view. gone were the tears i've shed for wanting to be by your side, through thick and thin. Gone also were the moments when i could feel your presence by my side through the sheer voice i hear over the phone; of you laughing.

it's all gone.

i don't approve of everything you do. come to think of it, i've never really approved anything much, and vice versa.

i love you for my life.
i love you for my tears and heart.

one, i've cried defending.
one, i've cried for loving and caring too much.
one, i've cried with a broken heart.


Verve Pipe - The Freshmen
When I was young I knew everything
She a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken,
Sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's
Vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks's worth of
Valium and slept
And now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his
Head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really
Wept he says

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We've tried to wash our hands of all this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our
Heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to
Slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
She was touching her face
And I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and
We'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe
We'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

Are we still? ..... i don't feel any younger. and the mistakes we all make will come back and haunt us. and i still love you.